∘lowkey ministar but not really
Angst
Viks pov
My nickname is star but in all honesty I think sparkler suits me better. We have a lot more in common. A sparkler, a small metal stick that erupts into a mess of colors, sparks, and stars whenever a fire is lit beneath it. Vik, a small Indian boy that erupts into a mess of sobs, cries, and shaky breaths whenever a fire is lit beneath him. We're both frail. We need to be handled gently but we never are....The sparkler is the one everyone forgets about. I'm the one everyone forgets about. When everyone is outside, having a party or celebrating summer do they ever decide to light a sparkler? No. We aren't exciting. The sparkler is just a bright light and I am just a boring person.
How can a sparkler compete with fire? So bold and loud. How can I compete with Ethan or Jj? How would a sparkler compete with lanterns? Powerful paper soaring high. How can I compete with Josh or Tobi? And how could a sparkler compete with fireworks. Joyful and stunning to the eyes. How could I compete with Harry and Simon. Oh but Simon.....I could never compete with him. He's not just a firework, he's the grande finale. When you watch the grande finale, nothing bad matters anymore. You forget about all your problems for those split seconds and when I look at Simon all of my issues disappear in the same way. When my eyes meet his I find happiness. For that short time when our eyes connect I cease to remember all of the demons that consume me. I seem to forget that I am a sparkler. But the moments of relief never last and eventually, the memories come flooding back.
I can't allow myself to get lost in Simon. He is a firework and I am a sparkler. I would ruin that beautiful boy if I ever got too close to him. If he knew what happens to sparklers. If he knew the real me. I mean I may look fine. You light me up and even though I'm erupting, even though there's a storm of horrible thoughts and conflicts flashing through my head...I still look alright. Happy even. I look bright and bubbly and fun. And sometimes the feelings are real...but they never last that long. This is when you first light the sparkler.
As I continue to burn though, to feel this way to think these things.... I start to dim. No one notices it but the light in the sparkler, the light in my eyes begins to fade. The darkness around me gets bigger and the never ending night can be seen closing around the sparkler. I try to hold out, to keep shinning for those around me but...it's hard. It's so tiring to find the will to keep going when you know you're just a sparkler and you know what painful end your destined to. But somehow I muster up the courage to continue and even though the storm is growing. Dragging me deeper and deeper down into the depths of insanity I try my best to keep the ever shrinking sparks alive.
And this is the bad part. I try so hard, I hold out for as long as I can.... but I go out. With no warning the flame dies. I'm gone. I've snapped. I'm nothing anymore and that makes everything worse. Because the storm has left, it passed on through but it's gotten to me and the aftermath is the ugliest part. My heart aches. I sit awake at night shaking, eyes wide as tears leak out. I'm unable to sleep. My body feels so heavy. The sparklers ashes have sunk to the ground and my heart has sunk in my chest. You think it would be over but this is the worst part because the ashes linger and so do my thoughts. They taunt me and leave me a pathetic mess in my room. I'm unable to speak or move or cry out for help. All I can do is sit in my bed, silent on slots of tears cascading down my cheeks as I realize how fucked up my life is. If Simon ever saw this, I can't even imagine. He would never be okay and I've already fucked up enough in this world. I can't cause him pain.
I stay awake for most of the night as whispers sound in my ears. Breathy taunts from my inner demons who shouldn't be here anymore but what am I saying, they never leave. I continue to sit up in bed, wanting help so bad but never attempting to get it.
The only way I escape this world is sleep, but sleep isn't easy and it only keeps me safe for so long. For when I wake up the day starts again and the cycle restarts. I wake up with the wish that today will be the day everything changes. That last night was the worst it can get. That maybe I'm all out of sparklers, maybe I used them all up. But that's impossible, silly me. Because I wake up, go downstairs and see the others all smiling genuine smiles and laughing genuine laughs and I begin to feel the match being lit. And there I go, the sparkler is sizzling and my mind is beginning to produce bad thoughts. Just like yesterday and the all the days before that.
"Morning Star"
Simon. He greets me every morning when I sit for breakfast. My head shifts up to the taller boy each day and for a few seconds his blue orbs look into mine. I smile wide. My heart swells and joy seeps into my brain...but after a small smile back he turns to the fridge and goes on with his life. Silly Vik, it gets you every single time. I bring my head down. He calls me star. I let out a small laugh earning stares from Jj and Josh. That's not right. I'm not a star. I've come to the conclusion that I'll always be a sparkler.
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Not gonna lie I honestly don't know what this is. I wrote this randomly after I was having a bonfire with my friend and she lit a sparkler. I mean it's kind of...I don't really know it seems written weirdly to me but either way I hope you've enjoyed. I may do a part 2 to this since originally the way I was gonna write it included Simons pov so I'll think about it :)
ALSO i always try to make the emotions realistic when I write. I'm very aware that when you go through hard times or if you are depressed that things are very difficult. It's hard to convey sad feelings when everyone experiences different things and has different views and basically I'm saying that if in any way I romanticized anything or if I do in any of my writing I'm terribly sorry and don't mean to. I'd never do it on purpose but if it comes off like I do please tell me.
(This is probably not necessary but worry when I write angst)
Ok long rant done anyways hope you enjoyed.
