The Reason For Grace (Sequel to A Reason To Stay)

Chapter 26

Another Sunday morning had come. The soft beginnings of morning light were making their way across the sky. Joshua was up tending to his morning chores before church. Payton was in the kitchen making a breakfast of biscuits and gravy with a side of bacon and fried eggs.  Joshua let Tommy sleep in on Sundays and milked the cow himself,  so his son wouldn't have to. Everyone else was asleep in the house except Joshua and Payton.

Payton had just put the biscuits in the oven and closed the door when Joshua came inside, a full pale of milk in his hand. "Where should I set this?" he asked.

Payton made room on her work table. "I'll put this in a pitcher." she told him. Joshua nodded and set the pale on the table. Payton expected him to go into the dining room or the sitting room but instead he stayed in in the kitchen with her. She kept her head down as she sliced the bacon into strips and tried to pretend he wasn't there. As all of the oxygen left the room.

"Will you and Grace be joining the rest of the family at services today?" Joshua asked.

Payton shook her head. "No, I don't think I should get her out."

"She doesn't seem to have the colic anymore." He argued.

"But she isn't use to being around a crowd of people. It might upset her." Payton said, her eyes never leaving the bacon.

Joshua grabbed her hand she was using to cut the bacon. "Stop," he ordered, "And look at me!"

Payton let go of the knife slowly and took a deep breath. She rose her head and her eyes until they met his gaze.

"What is going on, Payton?"

"Nothing." she said grabbing for the knife.

"Leave that knife alone!" he said roughly, "and look at me!"

Payton did as she was told. Chills made their way up her spine and down her arms.

"You haven't been to Sunday services since Grace was born." Joshua stated. Payton nodded that she knew and understood this. he continued when he saw she wasn't going to comment. "I want to know why you choose to rebel against the Lord and what has changed to make you this way?"

Payton stared at him. She knew the answer but it was one she wasn't willing to share with him.

Joshua let her wrist go and stepped back, "Has it really come to this Payton?" he paused and took a deep breath, anger and hurt in his blue eyes, "You can't even trust me with an answer as to why you choose to be alone?"

Payton swallowed back the words that begged to be let free. She took a deep breath and then bit her lip to hold her secret inside, afraid it would slip forth if she wasn't careful. She raised her hands to his face and then let them drop. "I'm sorry." she said as a tear escaped her eye.

Joshua grabbed her arms and pulled her up to his chest. "Payton!" he said shaking her. She closed her eyes, she couldn't look at him and stand knowing that she was causing him so much pain but if she told him.... his pain would be so much worse. She turned her head away. "Payton!" he said shaking her, "Look at me! Open your eyes and look at me woman!" His voice went from demanding to pleading, "look at me Payton! PLEASE!" She couldn't. He quit shaking her and pulled her body to his. He hugged her so tight she wasn't sure if she could breathe. Finally he said, "I love you Payton. I STILL love you. No matter what is going on, I'll love you!" She could feel moisture on her forehead. She knew it was his tears.

"I only want to help you, love." he told her. His voice was thick with emotion. "Please let me in.... Please let me help.... I love you! I love you.... I love you....I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...." He repeated over and over and over.

Payton sobbed but she held her secret so deep she wouldn't let it out. She couldn't. "I just can't go." she told him. "I can't. And I can't tell you why....."

Joshua pulled away from her and stared into her eyes, "You can't or you won't Payton?"

Payton shook her head pleading for him not to ask her that.

"Well?" he asked. He was going to make her say it.

"I won't." she finally said on a breath.

Joshua released her and walked out of the room. He paused in the doorway and looked at her... He wanted to say something. She could tell but he was to upset and so he threw his hands up in the air and stalked out of the room and then out of the house.

Payton shook her head and slid to the floor. She sobbed into her apron. "God." she said, talking to Him for the first time in a long time. "I don't want to hurt him and yet here I am hurting him..... Why did you do this? Why would you do this? Haven't we suffered enough?! Oh........." she curled up and cried in pain. A pain that no medicine would fix. Finally she gathered herself up and swallowed her emotions and went back to work on her breakfast.

Joshua had skipped breakfast. He came inside in just enough time to get ready for church and to gather the children. He didn't even speak to Payton. He kissed Grace goodbye and promised himself that even if Payton chose not to serve the Lord he would have Grace in church one day. He couldn't make Payton go but when Grace was big enough he would take her with him.She would know and love God; God had been so good to them he couldn't understand what had gotten Payton so turned around.

The ride to church was silent. Joshua was deep in thought about Payton and begging God to help him know how to help her or what was wrong. He was so hurt that she actually told him she wouldn't tell him what was wrong. She didn't trust him enough to help her. He wouldn't judge her he only wanted to help her. He loved her...

Doris rode along quietly. She knew that things between Joshua and Payton were not good. Payton had pushed her away. After that old busybody Gertrude Banks had showed up and spouted off about Grace being a Mongoloid, Payton had shut her out.

Doris had rode over and spoken to Malissia about the situation and asked her to go speak with Payton but Malissia had declined. Explaining she didn't know how to help Payton and she wasn't sure how to help with Grace. "I don't know if I can look at her the same." she told Doris. "I just don't know what I'm suppose to do around her..." "What do you mean, DO AROUND HER? You're simply suppose to DO around her like you DO around any other baby. She likes to be talked to and held and kissed and loved....." Malissia shook her head, "I just don't know, Doris... I mean.... I... She's not normal..." Doris bowed her head and shook it. When she rose her head she looked at Malissia sadly, "You're her only friend and even you can't try and understand....." Doris let a tear roll down her cheek, "Heaven help her when she does get the courage to go out with that baby, if she ever does.... You should be ashamed of yourself Malissia. Payton has been a good friend to you and now she really needs you and you can't even simply be there...." Malissia looked at the ground, "I'm sorry Doris... I'm ashamed of myself, I know I should be better but.... well, I can't pretend that everything is fine. I don't think Payton would want me around..." "I'm sure you're right!" Doris snapped, "I sure don't want you around if you can't show a little kindness and love to one of Gods children when they need you. You should be ashamed of yourself Malissia.... This isn't what Jesus would do and you and I both know it and I'm sure he isn't very pleased with you...." Doris went to the door and Malissia called out to her, "Doris!" Doris stopped and turned to look at the young girl. "I love Payton and I want to help her but this isn't something I have ever had to deal with before..." "Nor Payton and Joshua." she said and left. Doris had been so disappointed that day. "Lord what is wrong with these people?" she asked him and the only answer she could come up with was ignorance.

Doris was doing the only thing she knew to help the couple and that was pray that God would somehow work something where they would have to face their problems. That Payton would have to look this situation in the eye and come through it. She prayed that God wouldn't give up on Payton and she knew he wouldn't but she prayed that he would keep working with her even when Payton didn't want him to. And to somehow reveal to Joshua what was going on without her having to tell him.She had no clue that today God would revel to Joshua what was going on with his wife.

Doris had no way of knowing that when she said her morning prayers and prayed, "Lord please show Joshua that Grace is special and that Payton has been dealing with this alone..." that he was going to do just that this very morning as they were at church...................