The smell of smoke and booze filled the air as I drink my sorrows away. Today was the worst day ever. I never should have gotten out of bed this morning. Today was my first day at the University of Michigan. I'm a Junior, I transferred from NYU this summer to be closer to my family. I just found out that my mother has stage three breast cancer. the doctors gave her a year to live, if we're lucky.
Luck, thats the one thing I've been lacking these last few months, and especially today. I guess you could say that I've been going through life like a bull in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there, doing damage to myself and other people. the problem is trying to figure out the damage that we've done or thats been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix that damage and sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.
When I made the move from The Big Apple to Ann Arbor I was still dating my boyfriend of three years, Harry. Notice how I said was. Things were great with Harry, it was pretty serious. I had been the perfect girlfriend: never cheated, Never blew him off to hang out with friends, always did what he asked me and spent a lot of time with him. Even if that meant neglecting my studies, friends, and even family. This afternoon Harry called me while I was eating lunch. He ended it. Three good years. Three serious years. Three damn years of my life now wasted. I had given up so much to be with him and he just threw it all away like it was nothing.
My head is pounding just thinking about him. Was it something I did? "Do you want some more?" I lifted my head to see the bartender standing in front of me. I looked down at my empty cup. "Tequila." I answered, still mentally beating myself up over Harry. I couldn't even hang out with my friends, when he called I had to drop everything to spend time with him. But when we had plans and his friends called, he immediately would leave me to be with them. Maybe I was better off without him. "I know that look. it's either one of two things. Either your boss is giving you hell or your boyfriend. Which is it?" The bartender asks while sliding another glass of tequila my way. "Boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend." I scoffed. "Oh, I see. I'm sorry. I tell you what, this ones on the house." I try to manage a smile. "Thanks, um?" "Jeremy." "Ok, well thank you Jeremy." I'm starting to like this bar. The bartender is nice, he's an older fellow, and I think he's gay, but I like him. But hey, give me free booze and I'd like you too.
"Uggg." I drop my head back down again. "Life is messy you know that Jeremy?" I say, still not raising my head. "Oh, honey, I'm well aware."
"Is this seat taken?" I lift my head and look to the left. Standing there is an attractive, muscular guy. Wait,Scratch that, a very attractive muscular guy. "Nope. It's just me." "Does 'just me' have a name?" He asked, sitting down. "Adelaide." I say propping my self up on the bar so i'm not longer slouching with my head down, sulking. "What's the matter?" He asked, noticing the tear stains on my cheeks. I sighed,"Estrogen. It's all the damn estrogen. it makes you have feelings, and care." I saw him crack a smile out of the corner of my eye. "Bad day?" he asks me. I look up to Jeremy and we exchange a look. "Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes." he says. "Oh definitely. First day here and I know no one. Boyfriend of three years dumps me. Oh and I just found out my mother is gonna die. If that's not bad then I don't know what is."
"Yikes. Well in that case let me buy you a drink." He says. I down the drink I currently have. "My names Joe by the way." he says. I look over to him and smile. "So you're a freshman?" He asks. "What! Oh God no. I'm a junior. Today was only my first day here at Michigan. I transferred from NYU to be closer to my family." I took another sip of my tequila. "You know, you don't have to be alone anymore." Joe offers. "Sometimes it's better to be alone. So no one can hurt you. Life's messy, the more you play, the deeper you get, and the deeper you get the more you care, and the more you care… the easier it is to get hurt." I sigh and look away from Joe. "You know, when I was four my mother passed away, and then my dad the next year. none of the other kids understood. To them I was so different, I just,…" he sighed. "When I was a kid, I Would have given anything to be exactly like everyone else." "You wanted to be petty and dishonest?" I asked.
"Everybody's not like that." He said. "Yes, they are." I sighed again. "You're not like that." He says turning to me. "How do you know what I'm like?" I said, tears threatening to flow again.
"Geez, this is just depressing. You two need more alcohol." Jeremy said, passing us more booze. I tried another smile, this time it was more believable. I downed two more shots of tequila before Joe grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my seat. "Where are going?" I asked him, feeling the rush from all the alcohol running through my system. "To have some fun."
We're all damaged. It seems some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood and as grown ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage and then we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.
While I was dancing with Joe I felt free. I felt like nothing could hurt me, not Harry, not stupid cancer, nothing. We spent about an hour dancing and partying. "Where to next?" I ask. We look around the bar and spot a karaoke machine, my eyes widen. "There." We say, simultaneously pointing to the karaoke machine.
"You know this song?" He said pointing to one of the songs on his phone that was plugged into the machine. I squinted and tried to see the screen. "Joe! You know I'm too drunk to even read what's on the damn phone. Just play the song, I probably know it." He laughs and presses some buttons and music starts blasting through the speakers. We both grab microphones and I suddenly recognize the song. "Oh my god I love this song! I heard it once on like pandora or something but I never heard it again." I shouted over the intro of the song. Joe laughed. "I figured you would, now shut up and sing." He said pointing to the screen. Thank the lord the words were big enough for me to see, but my vision was starting to get pretty blurry. i knew I was drunk, and I would probably drink more. But who cares? Can't we just be young and dumb and be happy for at least one day?
I've been alone
Surrounded by darkness
i've seen how heartless
the world can be
I've seen you crying
You felt like it's hopeless
I'll always do my best
To make you see
Baby, you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
and nothing's ever gonna bring us down
'cause nothing can keep me from loving' you
and you know it's true
It don't matter what it come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through...
We keep singing, both too drunk to understand how fitting these lyrics are. Joe's got a nice voice, it's deeper but somehow soothing. I could listen to him sing all day. after the song is over we both stumbled off stage laughing. "You've got some pipes girl." I laughed. "You're not too bad yourself babe." We stumbled off back to the bar. "Jeremy!" I shouted and waved him over still laughing. I was starting to become very disoriented, and leaned on the bar for support. "Woah, I think you two have had enough fun for one night. Do you need me to call you guys a cab?" Jeremy offers. "Um, no we can walk. It's not too far." I rubbed my temples, feeling a migraine coming on already. I could feel Jeremy's eyes on me. "A cab might not be a bad idea."
Fifteen minutes later Joe is helping me into a cab. "Where are we headed?" I slur. "My apartment, is that ok? IT's right across from campus." he says. "That's perfect." I said laying back and closing my eyes.
