Voices // (Lashton)

chapter four

"Voices"

--

Ashton POV

Luke left to work, laying in bed was the only think I could've done so far. What have I done? Luke was shocked when I kissed him. He was probably not ready for that. I was very stupid to tell him hah. He ran off and made an excused that he was running late for work but in reality he felt awkward.

Nothing I do makes me feel a little better

I closed my eyes and repeated that moment again.

"I like you"

"R-really?"

"Yeah.."

Then I kisses him.

That's probably will be my first and last kiss from Luke. He'll never do it again with me which it sucks. I really enjoyed it. I touched my lips feeling Luke's lips pressing to mine. I smiled, best kiss ever from a guy. -but I'm not gay? What made me fall in love with Luke? He's probably not even gay. I sigh. This is so confusing. Every time I'm around Luke it feels so right but when I was with Jeanale it felt uncomfortable.. Wait what?

"Jeanale.." I got up and remember everything that happened that night.

"No, I don't.. I can't marry you while I've been cheating on you for all those 5 years! I'm so sorry ashton but I failed you and I can't marry you.. I-I had sex with another man three times.. I'm sorry Ashton.."

My mind was filling me up all from the past. My head started to hurt so much I couldn't handle it any longer. Why isn't it stopping? I don't want to listen to jeanale's voice in my head anymore.

"you were worthless and weak"

I yelled "STOP!!!" I was hitting my head with my hands as a nurse heard me and came inside my room and walk to me quickly as I can. I saw her calming me down but I couldn't Jeanale was taking me over

"You suck! I hate you! I hope you die!" She was like speaking to me inside my mind I wanted to stop. "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" I was sobbing so hard and I saw the nurse yelling for a doctor, I wanted to escape. Watching the nurse calling me down but it was too late for me to calm down. I was a wreak.

"Ashton please calm down! Doctor!"

"FUCK OFF JEANALE!" I pushed her off me and lands on the floor. What have I done?

"I'm not Jeanale! I'm a nurse?!" After she shares her sad tone with me, I've noticed I'm going crazy. At first I thought it was Jeanale. Her picture was popping out on the nurse face and made me go insane. I'm not going to lie. I miss Jeanale but the way she was treating me wanted me to hate her so much.

"I-I'm so sorry.."

The doctor came and saw the nurse on the floor and helped her get up carefully. I was still staring at her as the doctor had my medication as he puts the needle in my vein correctly slowly putting me to sleep and still staring at her. She looked away from me. I'm totally a mess.

*

My thoughts were floating in my mind. All of them were about Jeanale. The way we all started. The way it all ended. She was my first girlfriend since freshman year. My last girlfriend since a year after our graduation. What did I go wrong? We lived in the same house. I was planning to propose to her. I was going to ask her to dinner that night with the ring I had that night. The memories were floating around still, but I don't know how to erase them. They were like permanent in your mind and heart.

Maybe this was a lifestyle love lesson where you fall for the wrong one but you stay strong until you fight for the one you love. Jeanale is the one I want to fight for,-but Luke. Luke has been for me since who knows how long. I love him and I can never thank him for having me in his life, but it kisses him and I told him I like him, maybe he doesn't wants to go far and my mind and emotions are fucking me. I'm so confused of my sexuality.

Should I tell him if he feels the same? Maybe he can help me move on from Jeanale.

My mind is still stupid. Maybe Jeanale was right about me for once. Yep I'm stupid as hell.

Luke could make everything better. I could imagine him and me happy. Giving each other kisses. Having a nice laugh and probably watch some movies. But I can't do that when he doesn't feels the same. He ran off after I have him a quick kiss.. Everyone is leaving me off. Am I not a good person? Do I even belong in heaven when I decide to leave this fucked up unfair call life? My fucking 5 year relationship girlfriend left me! I probably don't deserve love after all. I guess I deserve to be single and raise 7193018648193 dogs or cats or both animals.

I can't chase what's never been mine right? All I did is waste like one millions seconds of my life already. This is terrible if I do so myself. Ugh I hate having thoughts sometimes. It screws my life all the time. Wow I'm talking to myself while I'm asleep..

*

*

*

*

Ashton woke up in the middle of the night. Struggling on his thoughts of what's happening right now. He sat up grabbing his phone from the nightstand. He unlocked his phone swiping it to the right and touched the message icon and texting Luke

To: Lukey

Luke, I miss you and I'm sorry for the whole kissing part. I shouldn't kissed you without your permission.. I hope you receive this and maybe reply back soon because god I really want you next to me. I feel so lonely..

Please come back and take me out of this hell hole call hospital it's giving me the jeepers

I love you

He sends it to him and place it by his side. He closed his eyes trying to relax a bit and trying to keep his mind blank as he gets comfortable. As soon as the 30 minutes passes it was midnight. The time Luke gets off from work. After a few seconds later he heard his phone vibrate. He opens his lazy red eyes and the bright light flashes on Ashton's face

From: Lukey

Nah don't worry about it (-: it was nice I never thought I would be kissed by my best mate xx

I'll be there like in thirtyish xx

I miss you too and love u :-) x

Ashton smiles and locked his screen. He couldn't be happier than not seen Luke at all. Everything was okay so far. Still, he doesn't knows if he's gay or not or only gay for Luke, but is Luke even gay?

That was the question.

There's probably no chance for Ashton unless he does something about it.

--

(A/N): short ya ya ya.

I have exams tomorrow and Tuesday so fuck me.

I need feedback

30 votes//50 reads