The Meaning of Charlie Armanio

XX

I GRAB UNTO HIM.

His shoulders – to be precise. I grab unto them and use them to pull him impossibly closer a few seconds later. His lips feel like velvet as they slide over mine. It becomes an innocent one, when he realizes I'm not going to pull away, when he realizes that I want this. I shouldn't want this, I really shouldn't. It's going to complicate a lot of things, when Charlie wakes up and I develop more feelings for James and I –

He pulls back abruptly, his eyes still closed, as he breathes in a rugged breathe. "Stop thinking."

And I do, when he pulls his lips back on mine. His hands are on either sides of my neck, while his lips work against mine. He doesn't try to control everything, he takes it slow and steady, waiting for me to decide how I want things to go. And God knows I've been eager for this since I found out Charlie was in the hospital. I just wanted something to go my way, the way I wanted and James was handing this to me, and I eagerly accepted.

Grabbing on the back of his baseball cap, I push his mouth more firmly against mine and savour the moment. Pure bliss, that's what this is. His lips push harder against mine, more demanding, and I lick the seams of his lips. Something is coursing through my veins like fire, something dangerous, something that makes me want to pull away from him, but pull him closer at the same time.

Where does this leave us? Where would this put us after? Is this even based on real feelings towards me or are my lips just a convenient way for him to release his pain? I can't continue this – but ...but I want to. I really do.

I pull back. "Stop."

He does, almost immediately, but when he opens his eyes, it looks like he wants to do anything but. He turns away from me and shifts to the side, putting his head in his hands, as he tries to compose himself.

I press a hand to my lips that felt raw and chapped. I blush, thinking about how worse of we would've been if he actually allowed me to... let's not start thinking about possibility.

"You don't actually want this James," I say, my hand still feeling up my slightly swollen lips. "You just need some way to try and forget that Tieri died. This really won't mean anything. You just don't want to feel pain anymore."

"Does anyone?"

I don't say a thing; because his voice takes up this hard, raspy edge that makes me both shy and confident at the same time because, I did that. My kiss has him struggling to breath. My kiss has made his voice forget what tune it normally goes by. My ordinary kiss had done the extra-ordinary.

"And about this meaning nothing – what on earth do you mean? Maybe on your side of that kiss, it meant nothing, but to me that was everything. Everything I've wanted since I saw you after prom last year in your teal dress. That's everything I've been waiting for –and by that I don't mean a kiss from you, at least not only that, I mean, some sort of reply from you – because Chloe, you've had me going around in circles for you since. You'll tell me not to ask you out, but then you'll kiss me like you want this. You kiss me like you want me. And yes, maybe your kiss took my mind off of the fact that someone I loved died but that's because I like you! That's because you made me forget – even though temporarily – that I was in pain. And maybe, what I'm spewing is just shit because your lips have blocked all clarity. But all I know is that I feel something with you," he lifts my hand, the one that's touching my lip, to his coat, over where his heart is beating rapidly. "And it may just be the best feeling."

Now, my heart is beating fast, faster than it was after he kissed me. All I could manage after he finishes his rant is, "you noticed me at prom?"

"I notice you everywhere. You don't need to be in a pretty teal dress for me to notice you're absolutely beautiful."