Stage 4 Fear Of Dying ✔ (Frerard)

//Chapter 1\\

"If I face my fear
Would my skies be all but clear?
Probably not, then again,
I've always held my doubts so close to my heart."

Frank's POV:

I don't know why I decided to come here today. I honestly don't. It's not like me at all. To socialise. To 'share my problems' with complete strangers. What's the point?? They don't know what the fuck to do. They can't help me. They might tell me it gets better, but I know it won't. It can't. Yet here I am at a group therapy sorta thing for people with life threatening illnesses. And yes, we're sat in a circle with chairs. And yes, everyone has a sob story to share. And no, there is no Hazel Grace or Augustus Waters or the asshole book writer guy. So no, there's no 'okay' crap.

I'm not okay, I'll tell you that much.

To my left is a girl with long, auburn hair and a pathetic attempt to cover her eyes with make up. Everyone can see the dark, purple colour underneath and everyone can tell she's desperately searching for attention by grabbing her flared trousers and lifting them slightly to show off her titanium legs. I mean, I get that she's lost her legs, but come on, other people have got it worse. At least you can still walk.

To my right is a really fat guy with scars littering his bald head. His story is that he has a brain tumour that keeps coming back every time they get rid of it. At least he's quiet. Brain dead maybe. But quiet nonetheless.

Yeah, I'm an asshole, but gimme a break. I'm dying. I'm allowed to be an asshole before I go six feet under. Besides, it's not like anyone cares enough to stop me. It's not like anyone cares about me all. So my logic is, 'if no one cares about me, I don't care about anyone'.

"Alright, we have two new faces in the group tonight. Would you like to introduces yourselves?? Perhaps you first, sir??"

Anthony, the 'group leader' pointed to a guy with short red, kinda orangey hair with a blue suit and what looks like pinky red eye shadow. The guy's probably gay. But I can't say much. Anyway, the guy stood up and cleared his throat.

"Hi, my name is Gerard. And I have cancer, uh... down there. But, the good news is that the doctors said it's gonna clear up and I get to live. Only bad outcome is that there's gonna be an 85% percent chance I'll never have kids of my own."

Everyone clapped for some fucking reason. But you know what they say, follow the crowd. So I clapped along too, just to humour them. Except my clapping was a lot slower and softer. I don't have much energy.

"Thankyou Gerard, we wish you every wellness. And I hope that God grants you the blessing of your very own children one day."

"...Thanks." Gerard said, almost uncomfortably, as he sat back down.

"Now, would you like to go next sir??"

Anthony was pointing at me. I nodded and stood up slowly.

"My name's Frank, I have stage four lung cancer. I'm literally dying. The doctors said it's progressed too much and there's nothing that can be done. I'm gonna die."

Everyone was silent. They should be. I was basically a zombie standing among them. I'm already dead, there's no hope for me. But of course, they apparently glorify this and start clapping after some seconds. I didn't understand why they would applaud me for saying I was gonna die. And I wanted to question them, but I'm not one for conflict or attention so I stayed quiet and sat back down. As someone else stood up, I couldn't help but to hope that this ended soon. This or my life, either one is fine at this point.

---

I dawdled across the carpark to wait for a taxi. I can't drive. I don't see the point. I wouldn't be able to drive it for long. And what would I use it for anyway?? It's not like I go anywhere. Today was an exception. Because today I was exceptionally bored out of my fucking mind.

I didn't notice someone walk up to me while I daydreamed about all this until they waved their hand in front of my face. I looked up to see that red-haired guy from the group.

"Hey, Frank right??

"Yeah??"

"My name's Gerard, you probably saw me in the group with you."

"Yeah, I saw you. What's up??"

"I'm not trying to come off as an ass or anything, but, you're dying right?? Like, there's absolutely no hope??"

"...Yeah."

"Well then, for however long of a life you've got left, I would like to make it worth it's while."

"Why??"

"I care about people. And if there's something I can do to help them, then I will. Or at least, I'll try. So whadya say??"

"Well, I've got nothing to lose but my life. So, okay. Show me a life that's short and sweet."

I don't know why I agreed to this. But there was something about this guy. Something that made me feel...safe?? As if he cared. As if someone actually, finally cared about me. And for a moment, knowing that someone was finally for me...made me feel like I was gonna be okay. And, forgive my optimism...

I liked feeling okay.