My 30 Day Challenge

Chapter 13

Day 3 cont’d: What is your motivation to recover?

So here I was, stuck sitting in a room with a whole bunch of people just as messed up as me. I was pissed off, to say the least. Yeah, my session with Dr Jardine had gone well, and I was maybe going to actually consider what she’d said, but that didn’t make me want to hear their crap.

At the moment, we were all being given a run of freedom to converse with each other about stuff other than whatever ‘mental illness’ we had. It was just a giant room with a couple of huge couches, a TV glued into the wall, a remote in a case nailed to a coffee table, a bookcase with a whole lot of shit I didn’t know, and best of all, a cage in the corner with puppies in it.

I didn’t know how they got clearance for that. I didn’t care. All I knew was that I had the most adorable little pug in my lap and I didn’t give a shit about anything else at that point. I decided almost instantly that I would call him Lorenzo, and that I would probably not let go of him even after we had to leave.

Someone was playing a James Bond movie, and I was sat against the wall giving it half my attention, and focusing the other half on Lorenzo, when a girl came and sat next to me.

‘Hey,’ she said boredly. ‘Haven’t seen you here before.’

I didn’t respond. It was kind of obvious that I hadn’t been there before. She said it as though she’d been here a lot, and I kind of felt sorry for her. She hadn’t spoken in the group circle before that I remembered. Her attitude kind of reminded me of my own. She seemed, okay; her hair was dyed white and pink, and she had a couple of bruises on her arm. Her eyes were dark brown, almost black. When I didn’t say anything, she looked me up and down.

‘Not a talker, huh?’ I shook my head in response.

‘That’s okay, you will be in about a month. Everyone starts talking at some point. You have to, if you don’t want to go insane. Well, more insane than you already are,’ she paused. ‘But we’re not supposed to refer to ourselves as insane. We’re just as normal as everyone else.’ She sounded so bitter.

I was getting a little uncomfortable; she was so open about it all.

‘I’m Niamh, by the way. I live here, in the hospital,’ she added.

‘You live here?’ I was startled enough to conclude my silence.

‘Yeah, have done since I was, like, 9 or something stupid like that. I’m 16 now,’ she said indifferently.

‘I would have gone crazy being stuck here for 7 years,’ I murmured softly. ‘How do you manage?’

‘Honestly, I’ve given up caring. Once I’m 18, I can get out of this hell-hole.’

‘What if they just stick you in an adult’s ward?’

‘I’ll be an adult – they can’t force me to. The only reason I’d end up there is if I chose to go, which is never gonna happen. Enough about me. Why are you stuck here?’ she focused on me. I was feeling slightly more open to the idea of sharing after my session this morning.

‘I, uh, um… suicide attempt. Depression. You know,’ I said awkwardly.

‘Same. Life’s pretty shit, isn’t it. What about your parents?’

‘I’d rather not talk about that,’ I whispered so softly I don’t think she heard. Lorenzo had gone by that point; I think he was scared.

‘Did they just dump you here? Or are they making you come ‘for your own good’? If they are, that’s bullshit,’ she rambled on.