SAUDADE || ANTOINE GRIEZMANN ✔

1. Sophie

The sound of lightning that cracking above there as if describe my heart which was beating so hard after heard what you just said.

“We break up, I was so tired with you.” You said it coldly, you can’t even look me in the eyes when you turn around and step away. Are you really tired of this?

And I’m just like a fool who stood there, watching your back leaving me in the middle of the heavy evening rain. Your words were just like knives that stab me right in my heart and make me wondering. We’ve been fight so many times before but you never said that you’re tired with our relationship. Are you really meant it? Am I really made you tired? These questions fulfill my heart right now, the questions that I can’t say it out loud.

I know I made a mistake, jealous, over reacting and so selfish. I should have trust you and not going crazy like I did earlier when I saw a junior flirted with you. I should be calmer and talked with you about that instead I pushed and wrath her. But I really had no control of this jealousy.

But do you really have to say that? Are we really ended this way, right now? I love you so much but why is it turned like this?

I still staring at your back going further and further, my eyes wet because of rain or maybe my tears, I don’t know exactly which one. I still hardly to believe that we were break up. Can I hope that you’ll turn around and approaching me, embrace me and said that you were kidding and we’re not really over? But I know it never happen. Cause what I saw is your back stepped away without any intention of turning around.

I force my feet to walk home in this cold rain, I was shivering cold and my head is aching because of this pouring rain. I manage it to get home when Mum welcomed me with her anxious face.

“Love, are you alright?” she asked, but even before I can answer that, my eyes getting blurred and spun. Last thing I heard was Mum’s scream before everything fade to black.

****

I slowly open my eyes when I felt sunlight come through the windowpane, my eyes open wide when I look around to figure out that I was on my own bedroom. There was a wet towel on my forehead and my body felt so uncomfortable, my head still aching and my throat felt so hurt. Maybe I got fever because of last night.

Speaking of last night, I remembered it clearly how he said that we were break up, we were ended up our long term relationship. My eyes wistfully staring at the ceiling, I know it wasn’t a dream and I really need to realize the truth that our relationship was ended since yesterday. I remembered how he looked at me last night. His gaze felt like hurt so deep, am I really hurt you that bad?

“Sophie, are you awake, love?” I saw Mum just opened my door and I answered it with nodding because my throat still hurt so much. “Look who’s here?”

And I saw him again, walking behind Mum, he’s awkwardly smile to me which I replied with a confuse look. “Antoine told me everything, I hope you two can talk and make it right.” Mum walks away leaving us.

Antoine smiles while he walked closer to my bed. “Hey, how’re you feeling?” he asked, touching my hand. Warm, his hand always warmed, then I remember that gaze last night and that’s suffocated me.

“Mum asked you to come here?” I try harder to speak however my throat is hurt. And he nods as the answer.

Me and Antoine has been in a relationship for about 4 years, very long term relationship for school kids like us. And very long term relationship to make our parents known each other very well. Of course our relationship didn’t always sunshine and rainbow, we’re fight, we’re broke up and back together again for several times and so many other things like the other relationship. But each time when we’re broke up. Mum always called him to come around, asked us to talk about it nicely and we’ll back together in the end. Usually in that order.

But this time, maybe I was hurt so bad because of his gaze last night. What if he didn’t love me as much as I love him? What if he really tired about all of this? Our relationship feels like a one side love to me. Maybe there’s nothing love left in his heart for me anymore.

“I’m so sorry…” he starts after we’re silence for quite long. “I know yesterday has been…”

“Antoine.” I cut off his words. “Can you just leave?” I can saw his confuse and surprise face afterwards. “We’re broke up since yesterday. I know Mum called you here but you shouldn’t come if you didn’t want to.”

“Soph...”

“Please, go home.” I exhales and turn my face to other side, I didn’t want him to saw my stupid tears which begin to steam down my eyes uncontrollably. I don’t want to look weak in front of his eyes and I don’t want this tears hold him to be here any longer.

I felt that warm hand slowly leaving mine and then I heard his footsteps going away until I hear my door was closed gently then I brace myself to look at my closed door. I exhales and wipe my tears.

****

After he’s leaving, Mum showed up in my room with porridge and water on the trey. “Why you told Antoine to go home, love?” she approaches my bed.

I smile weakly. “Mum, from now on, whatever happened to me, just never called Antoine anymore.”

“But why?”

“We’re broke up, over. Just that.” I exhale.

Mum laughs a little. “You always broke up, and then back together.”

I shake my head. “It’s different now, we’re over. Just promise me that you will never ever call him again. Please, promise me.” I begged her.

Mum looks at me with her anxious face and then nods before answer. “Alright, I won’t.”