Stranger Tides *Teenage Fever*

17. He was the death of me 😭

**DIARY EXTRACT **
Dear Dumb Diary

This may sound weird but... Ever since I was a kid, I just always had this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. It was never caused by anyone but rather my own self. You see...

It seems like everywhere I am. People would always want to make me realise that I'm not wanted. If it's not me being anti-social, then it has to be fvck society. I don't know why, and maybe I might just never know... then there's this part where...

I've always been surrounded by love and at times I felt like the black sheep in the family. Most confusingly...

At times... it feels like I don't know myself. Its like I'm waiting for something. Something that might never come... something mysterious. .. something that should have knocked on my door a long time ago.

Just when I thought that I could dream... off the streets. A bigger pain would hit from the back. I'm sunken in my own body and at the same time... It's like I'm floating above it. I'm watching myself do everything like watching TV while looking down on myself... at the same time. I'm watching my every move. Hearing every word that leaves my mouth.

It's like... I'm looking down on myself and I hate what I see. Like I hate myself. I hate the way I am, the way I look, the things I do, the way I sound. It's disgusting.

It disgusts me.

And... I can't stop it. I can't change it. I never learnt how.

**END**

..

I've never understood this world. And I might never understand it. Peace... belonging... becoming... being... happiness and the love.

It's what I live for. It's what I hope to find and it's what I wait for.

Waiting for it, might as well be the worst thing I've ever done to myself. But I'll wait to find that out.

To think that I made a vow to myself. To think I told myself to live in the moment, only a year ago.

Just before I turned 14. I can't wait to see which vow, I vouch to make this time.

Just call it The Edge Of Fifteen. Dear.

It's only 22:47pm and I'm just lying on my bed. Mentally Chattering to myself. Is that normal?!

It's healthy.

I sigh.

Okay. Goodnight.

Yeah... Sleep tight.

***LIGHTS OUT ***

WELL I AM TRYING MY BEST TO SLEEP.

And finally the darkness creeps in. The world is muted.

Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. Lose yourself in the world of imagination. Find yourself in the aftermath of too many preoccupations.