How Far I'll Go

Chapter 1

Living in fear of the unknown was hard. But living with not a single person to call your friend was worse.

Where I'm from were called Neptonians. Every since I was a little boy I've always dreamed of the unknown. If there was others out there that existed.

I've always dreamed there is others out there. But in reality there was none or so at least that's what my mother told me.

My mother never talked much about my father. But for all I know is she says he would give me the world if he could.

I walked into my room and got on  plunta. Plunta is just what I call my laptop. I see a strange notification, I quickly responded. I waited a few minutes for a response but got none. I turned off plunta and went for a walk. As I walked outside my mother asked if I was gonna ride jet. I simply replied yes.

Jet is my robotic rover i built when i was ten. Over the course of almost 8 years it has completely changed. My mother says i change it since I'm growing into a younger adult that my taste in design would change and let me tell you she was correct.

About two hours of riding around i finally decided to go inside to get something to drink. I grab a water from the refrigerator and head to my room.

I open plunta and saw a new notification. I knew it was from the most amazing girl i have ever meet.

She is my only best friend i have ever had in my entire life and i would give her the world if only she asked. That's how much she means to me.

I open messenger and read good morning handsome.

I type back; good morning beautiful. Heres some help to get you through your day.

Darling, open your eyes. You are not made up of those words that hurt you. Or that number on the scale. Or the expectations that you feel will never meet. You are made up of nothing more than you. Simply, beautifully, wonderfully, uniquely you. You are a lovely and complex soul. An individually fascinating combination of thoughts, ideas, feelings, and emotions. No other is as beautiful as you. Look past the mirror. Look at your soul. Only then will you see yourself as you truly are. Beautiful. So smile! And don't forget to love yourself.

She replied your so cute thanks for the help to get me through my day. I try to video call her but got no answer. I go get my notebook and began to write in it.

A minute later she video calls me. I run over to plunta and answer the call.

I say hey beautiful. She blushes and says hey. She asks where are you. I reply in my room where are you. She says in my room. In the background I heard her dad coming up the stairs screaming at her. She thought she paused the video call but she didn't.

Her dad bolts through the door and is carrying a belt. He grabs her by her hair and slings her across the room. All I could do was pray for her.

Her dad punches her in her left eye. And it starts to blacken. I pray, pray so hard. I wish I was there to help her. But all I could do is watch.

Her dad starts to whip her on the legs with the belt and her legs start to bleed. Shes bawling her eyes out. I start to cry to.

Her dad walks out of her room and falls down in the hallway. She pushes her dresser against the door so her dad can't come in. She forgets about the video call and leaves the camera on.

She walks into the bathroom and grabs a bottle of some medicine and pours it on her legs. She screams out in pain and starts crying.

I watch as she does this and I began to cry more. What scares me more is what she does next.

She grabs a razor and starts to cut her wrist. I look at my mirror and whisper just like me. I look at my wrist and slowly run my fingers across my scars.

I look back at plunta and see shes crying. She's hurting. But all I could do was watch. There's blood all over the counter but she leaves it. She washes off her wrist and walks into her room. She sits on her bed and puts her head in her hands and starts to cry.

I coughed by accident and she heard me and looks at her computer. She walks over to the table and grabs the computer and walks to the bed.

She asks what did u see. I say all of it. She looks away and says please don't cry. I wipe my eyes and say I wont beautiful.

I ask her to describe what's cutting like. She looks at me and says I can't. I say please.

She says well go to the beach. And walk in the water, blindfolded. You just keep walking. You don't know where you're going. You just know your going deeper. That's what the build up to cutting is like.

You don't know where you're going. Depression has blinded you. All you know is you're going deeper. Now just keep going until you drown. You want air, you want relief, you don't want to be drowning anymore.    

Now imagine the relief when someone pulls you out of the water. That's what cutting is like. Relief. Relief from all the pain you've been drowning in. Relief from not feeling good enough. Relief from the bullies at school.

Relief from feeling like you're fat. Relief from your imperfections and insecurities. You might find cutting disgusting and you might never understand it but when you're drowning, you need saving. You need relief

So, what's cutting like, you ask? It's relief.

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