Innocence

8- I'm So Sorry

The windows were tinted so no one couldn't see my face. But I saw theirs. Men and woman walking down the street without a care in the world, people laughing and smiling, children holding their mom's hand as they shopped for Thanksgiving dinner which was this Thursday. I wouldn't be spending Thanksgiving with my family this year. Tears filled my eyes.

I was in a car on my way to my 'mission', my face covered in makeup so no one would recognize me as 'the kid who just recently went missing'. Mrs. Ryan told me the plan. The man driving this car was going to drop me off about a block away from the ally Johnny walked in everyday. I was to go into the ally, fight Johnny until I had him in a position where I could stab him with the knife Mrs. Ryan had given me. Then, I would have to casually walk back to the car, and get in.

Isaac didn't have to do his mission until next week, so he was back at the 'compound', training with Mrs. Ryan. So, I was sitting alone in a black car, thinking about how I was supposed to murder someone today. This just wasn't right.

Suddenly, the man driving the car pulled over. My heart leaped into my throat and fell to the bottom of my stomach.

"Alright, we're here, go." He said, dully. I wondered if he even wanted to be apart of this. If he didn't, why did he do it? I sighed and got out.

I was to wait in the ally until Johnny got there. As I walked, I looked around self consciously, could the people see the knife in my back pocket? Could they read it on my face? Did they know who I was? Did they know what I came to do?

I got to the ally and sat on a brick on the ground. My breathing got heavy and my stomach turned. This was really about to happen. My foot started bouncing up and down in nervousness. My fingers rubbed against each other. I looked back and forth so I wouldn't miss Johnny as he biked past.

    Suddenly I heard the sound of bike wheels turning and I looked to my left. There he was. Johnny Miller.

    I took a deep breath and yelled, "Hey!"

    He stopped, "Hey...do I know you?"

    "Um no, I'm uh...I'm Jordan a-and I was wondering if you could help me." I said, nervously, rubbing my arm.

     'Please don't see the knife. Please don't see the knife..."

    "Uh, sure." He said, hopping off his bike, this was too easy, "What do you need?"

    I hadn't thought this far. I hadn't thought anything at all. I looked in his brown eyes; they looked just like Zac's. Tears filled my eyes as I brought my hand back and punched him right in the face. It was unexpected, so he went flying backwards and onto the ground.

    "What the fuck, man!" He yelled, holding his face. Tears ran down my cheeks and I sat on him and straddled his waist.

    He tried to punch me back and he did a few times before I got ahold of his wrists and sat on them along with the rest of his body.

    "I'm so sorry." I cried, I really didn't want to do this.

    He was out of breath, "What?" He breathed, he looked so confused, so lost. I had to explain. He had to die knowing.

    "My name is Jordan Taylor Hanson."

    "You're that missing kid..." he said quietly.

    "Yes. A-And I was kidnapped. The people who kidnapped me, told me to..." I started crying, I didn't know what else to do anymore, "kill you." I whispered.

    His face went pale and he started struggling again, but I wouldn't let up, "I'm so sorry!" I sobbed, "I'm just trying to survive and I don't know what I'm doing and the stupid man raped me and I-I'm sorry!" I sobbed.

    "It's okay." He whispered, "Please don't kill me, we can go to the police, tell them-"

    "No. I can't! He's a block away and he'll see me. I'll get caught and I'll die. I have no choice, I'm so sorry." I whispered, tears running freely down my cheeks.

    "Please..." he begged.

    I pulled the knife out of my pocket, and held it over his chest, looking at his eyes that looked so much like my little brothers, for the last time. Then, I closed my eyes, "Forgive me."

    And I stabbed him. Over and over. I ran the blade down his body. Blood went everywhere. I pretended it was Rape. I pretended it was Mrs. Ryan. I pretended it was everything I hated. I pretended it was me.

I opened my eyes, breathing heavily and looked at his bloody limp body. I covered my mouth with my hand, which was covered in his blood, and screamed. I quickly got off of him and punched the brick wall of the ally, yelling.

"I'm so sorry!" I yelled at the sky as if someone was going to hear me. As if an angle was going to come down and save me.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered down to the dead body, as if somehow he could hear me and somehow forgive me. But he was dead. And even if he wasn't, he wouldn't forgive me. I'd never forgive me.

I wanted to just yell up to him how sorry I was. I just felt sorry for everything that had happened. I wanted to pay for what I did but I knew nothing I did would ever replace this human life I took. Nothing I did would be good enough.

Suddenly, I got an idea. I looked back at the knife I had dropped in my fit of anger and picked it up. I needed to pay for what I did.

So, I crouched beside Johnny then looked at the knife I held limply in my hand. I grasped it harder and stabbed it into my arm, expelling blood onto the blue fabric of the shirt Mrs. Ryan had given me so I could 'blend in'.

"Ahhhhhhh!!!!" I yelled in agony, through clenched teeth. I could only imagine what it had felt like to Johnny, weather or not it had been instantaneous. That was probably the worst instant of his young life.

I pulled the knife out of my arm and watched as the crimson liquid ran in streaks down my pale arm. I pulled off Johnny's jacket so it exposed his bare arm. I dipped my finger into my own blood and with tears running down my face-yet a blank stare on it- wrote: 'I'm so sorry' in my own blood.

I kissed Johnny's forehead as I used his jacket as a bandage for my arm so it would stop bleeding so much. I tucked away the knife, wiped my face, took a deep breath, and ran out of that God forsaken alleyway, my innocence running farther and farther away from me.
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So there was a lot more to this chapter originally but somehow half of the chapter got deleted so I just decided to finish this section and call it good 😂 hope you like it!! Thanks for reading ❤️