Rants

Not today

I've thought of picking one up before.
My parents trust me around them and even to take them on my own.
After all I did take 8 different kinds as a kid
They say it's genetic you know.
One time.
That's all it take, I know.
Because I urge for it already, I know if I do pick one, two, three, maybe even five, I'll keep wanting and itching mu skin for them.
But I still want them.
I could get up right now, walk five paces, and take whatever amount I want.
Scary right?
I could end everything right now.
I could ruin my future if want to right as I write this.
Just 5 steps.
I urge to do others too.
I could get hooked on a different one with 20 paces.
I could have a friend give me the gateways as they say.
I know she has them.
I know she's done them.
Only I won't want to stop because that switch in my brain will over ride everything any person or thing will tell me.
I won't stop until that person walks into whatever I am located in and sees I'm laying there not responding.
But then I think of everyone else.
Will they expect it?
Will they hate me?
Would they even care?
But what really keeps me from not doing anything is one person.
Them... When I need them the most they are typically there.
I knew I fell hard for them.
I couldn't do anything about it either.
They make me happy only. They don't see what they say or do effects my actions.
I know for a fact they would never think in their life that they- they would be what keeps me from falling off the ice berg.
Now, I can't do anything without thinking-
Thinking if I do trip and fall, because we all know I'm clumsy, and it's bound to happen that-
That I would hurt them.
I would hurt my friends, my dog, my family, the teacher's who I grew close to.
All of them have hope in me some way or another.
Would I just be another student, or screw up in the family?
I don't want to know.
I don't want to put everyone else in pain for what I'm feeling because I do know my actions are not just mine.
It's a ripple affect.
So no I will not take those steps
Not today.

So this is different but umm yeah that's that.

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