Under water

Forever searching

My eyes flickered open, to bright lights and beeping that surrounded my senses, making my head throb along in time with the never ending sound. My throat closed up and I opened my mouth, struggling to sit up. " This is the worse possible time for this to happen, she has only just got better" a depressed sigh came from just outside the door, the distinctive sound of my Aunt Joe's deep voice. My aches momentarily forgotten, I sat up in the crisp white bed sheets that did nothing to provide comfort, my eyes flicking around the dense white room that had paint peeling in the corners but still seemed to breath an air of hope with its colourful windows and its definitive shade of purple that coated the ceiling along with tacky pictures of old celebrity's that had clearly been stuck
up there years ago, obvious from the deplumed lips of Kim Kardashian, and posters advertising the new arrival of various movies that had long past been out of date. My eyes turned back to the door when I heard loud muttering and the sound of nearing footsteps, before the soft click of the door handle as it was pushed down and my Aunt entered making the small room seem even more clostraphobic.

My Aunts shallow breaths filled the room as she warily approached my bed, almost seeming like a nervous animal shieing away from the smell of danger. Her throaty cough seemed to fill the small space and she nervously swallowed " Are you ok?" She questioned her voice soft and breathy as she tried to clear the tense atmosphere; nodding back my throats still to dry to speak I gestured toward the jug of water, silently asking her to pour me a glass. Her eyes widened in understanding and her fingers shook as she splashed the water onto the fake wooden surface by the side of my bed, I greedily gulped down the water sighing in delight as the cool liquid traveled down my throat. A chesty cough brought me out of my thoughts as I peered up at my aunt examining the grey bags under her eyes and the shortness of her hair made to cover up the slowly thinning strands, " What happened?" She questioned I gave her a blank look silently telling her to shove off. Her brow furrowed as she ran her eyes over my body " I know this is the worse timing possible but as you still haven't reply to our invite are you coming to me and Johns wedding?" She questioned trying to make it sound like a question rather than a demand, " We would love it if you could come" she stated her voice once again taking on that breathy whisper. I glared at her my eyes meeting hers and she visibly shrinked back, her arms twisting at her sides and her thumbs twiddling at her together, a habit she had always been trying to stop. She slowly backed away towards the door as she realised I would not answer her and she nervously fumbled for the handle the door making a screeching sound as it scrapped along the floor. " I'll..... I'll talk to you later once you have had time to think" she breathed out breathlessly.

With my Aunt now gone I breathed out a deep sigh, before a women entered my room wearing a clean white coat that had a scruffy edge to it, pencils were sticking out the pockets, a watch high up on her arm, and a pack of torn open tissues fluttering in her breast pocket; pens were sticking out her hair and tucked behind her ears; reminding me of the sterotypical looks of a builder. The sound of her clearing her throat and introducing her self as Dr. Andrews, stopped my analysis, " How are you holding up" she questioned concern clear in her voice as her features softened. " Fine" I breathed in a straggled whisper, " Fine" I said clearing my throat. " It must have been a traumatic experience, it is not your fault it ended the way it did, the poor girl must have been out of her mind walking into the sea in that weather." " It was suicide, the police confirmed it, but they would still like a statement from you if that's alright."
" What is there to tell" I replied bitterly. The doctor cleared her throat, obviously thrown of guard by my statement, " Well you are all ok now so you should be getting discharged in a matter of hours" nodding my head in reply I waited until she left before my tears fell and small hiccups echoed through the room.

Once I had been discharged from the hospital, still in my plasticky gown as all my clothes had been ruined from the salt from the sea. Another thing the deadly water would destroy, tear apart and still greedily want more; I absently mindedly walked down the familiar track that led from my beach house toward the beach. The hard tarmac softened out into hazardly stacked sand dunes, covered in prickly green plants that seems determined to scratch at every bit of naked flesh. My mind wandered and my bare feet walked the path I had walked a thousand times, the cool sea breeze taking my breath away and the salt stinging my eyes. The weather had cleared since this morning and the once deserted beach was now filled with owners walking their dogs as the sun sunk beneath the waves. My feet stepped out onto the sharp shingle and I winced as a small jagged shell dug it's self into the soft pads of my feet, pulling out the cruel piece of nature I walked toward the sea, the killer and the stealer of souls.

I waded in the coldness of the crashing waves barely noticing the coldness that would normally give me frost bite, the waves battered against my body trying to keep me from entering their territory, fighting in I fought my way through their wildness and reached the stillness of the deep ocean that reached up to my shoulders, only soft bumps in the surface lifting me off my feet and over the small swell. My hands swung around me reaching out desperately for something to hold onto, something or someone to grab and join me in my despair, my eyes searched the expanse of the ocean the coldness now sinking through into my bones, my eyes forever searching as they desperately sought a glimmer of hope to fill the empty hole on my heart.

~

My head sunk below the waves, my eyes wide open. The salt stung my eyes making me wince in pain, my resolve hardened as I realised how selfish I was being. How could I not even deal with the slightest pain when others took on the world, or had experienced something so terrible it drove them to suicide. Or maybe they were depressed, abused, misunderstood or just simply looking for a way out. There was numerous possibility's. If only I had got there sooner, having some one that cared, someone that said hello in the morning or asked how you were could make all the difference. A single choice. An act of kindness. One hug. One kiss. That could tip the balance of fate, leaving a heart beating, lungs pumping, blood travelling, one less sorrow ridden family. God knows this world needed less pain and grief, the evolution of mankind had only lead to our downfall. What would the world be like if the light bulb wasn't invented, if houses weren't built , if our mark on this world was little more than a dent. How many life's would be saved? How much were we willing to pay for our discovery's , our happiness? How much more would it take for us to break? I knew I was already broken, my heart my body and my mind, but how long till they followed? The never ending, unanswerable questions filled my head, how much were we willing to pay? Because I knew we would not be given anything with out a price, not in this crumbling, cruel world.

My heart stopped and I became one of them, the ones driven to insanity, driven to death because there was no other way out. I knew it was wrong to pick the easy way out when so many others had it worse than me. Maybe I wasn't as strong as them or just didn't care, after all life was a cycle, we would die anyway, not even us humans could stop the course of nature when it made up its mind on who was deserving and who wasn't. Or maybe they picked out a hat, randomly selecting those who would be next. But who really knew and who cared, certainly not the obnoxious doctors around the world claiming to have the cure to death, provide eternal life. Immortal. That's what they would say. They were wrong. They may make the body immortal, but not the mind.

~

I felt the cold liquid run into my lungs, the water replacing the air, life replaced by death. It was simple, I was breathing but then I wasn't.t

~

Somewhere deep in my mind I registered the feel of sand scraping my body and the tightening feeling around my neck. A sudden pounding on my chest, continuous and steady, crushing pressure on my ribs left me gasping for air. And I was taken from deaths clutches and returned to the living.