Dear Friend

#1 My First letter

Dear friend ,

Forgive me because most of it is, just me ranting but bear with me. Someone said you could. You could bear my rants and you can understand. You understand  and you can silently see it all like a movies with popcorn ,though mine ain't that spicy to attract interest. Its more of a boring documentary with pictures in black and white ,some are tainted with colours too. I heard that you would watch it even if it's does not concern you. Its just the way we watch man vs wild even though we are pretty sure that there are zero percent chances that we will ever step  out if this cocoon life and find ourself in the middle of some random jungle ,feeding ourselves on hunted wild boars. It doesn't make sense. Why do we even watch it. Is it the facination to watch the host eat all sorts of crazy stuff or is it the not-at-all-a-suspense of the host escape this human apocalypse.

Anyway the thing is you just don't hear stuff, you listen the stuff too. So I am here sharing with you all my stuff.

There are days when- I wish I was an Orphan. Its funny how I am still concerned to put an 'an' in the sentence with vehement compulsion to abide by  the grammatical rules,  I am still bothered to use the appropriate grammar, completely robbing the desperation of this sentence. If I could I would scream this on the face of every person I meet. That ofcourse I can't do, you know right, gotta follow the protocol of socially acceptable behaviour and norms. But there is always such things that we can do in our head, its our space where we can completely be ourselves. It's our Neverland where we are free of every restrains, a place that run on our rules.

Its not like I always feel this way, but today is such day. There are also other version of this 'wish' too, like – 'I wish I was never born' or 'I wish the person I call 'so called father' was better off dead'. Yeah I seriously wish he was dead but my friend there is something thing that I often noticed- Good people die first and not the bad ones. Duh, so its not happening for him right now.

'I wish I was an orphan', my inner voice says it aloud while tears seems to flood me .I know I shouldn't be feeling this ,atleast not today when I just came back after partying at a fest with my friends. But logics and feelings are two separate realms, one can't console the other.

My fa.... Let's not call him with the title of 'father'; I don't think that the man I know now should be allowed to take the position of such a sacred relationship. Though I say it for the world but I don't think there is anything left that I can hold on to, its just a nominal relationship. A hollow title stuck on a human. The biology of my fate, in which I never had any say, no way to, chose. A string of relationship that was tied to me on the day I was born. This string has worn out through these years, sometimes stringent to the point when it starts slashing my soft skin, on other times I am thankful that it just caused a bruise and did not bleed. It took a bit long but I learned to accept my fate, accept these tightening strings that sometimes seems to flay me.

I don't know you much. I don't know if you could relate to my unapologetic words but I know you are human too. And we come together under this broad umbrella of 'humanhood', well this word probably sounds weird and you won't find it in dictionary because I just made it up. 'Humanity' makes more sense though, but I guess you get what I am trying to say.

So before I start my actual rant lets take away the title of father and call him 'Dbba'. Well if you know what it means then congratulations, I hope you get an A+ in your Hindi Language Exam. If you are still mulling over what it means, no worries, you don't have to take the trouble to Google it up. In Hindi, Dbba refers to a box. To me it represents an empty useless cardboard box. It is as empty as a brainless head, so basically my old man is a blockhead. So Dbba fits this description from head to toe, plus I am trying to throw in some humor elements. Making my short comings and events into a sarcastic satire, a dark comedy. I am just trying to lower the excessive seriousness which my tale entails.

I hope you can empathize with the fact that it's very hard for me to put my blunder of emotions and complex events of my life into simple words. But the thing is I want to talk about it. I want to express it and believe me this struggle to speak up is real. I have to call upon all the powers from around the whole universe to make way for my words.

I know it's a question to ponder over that from which age do I belong to and in which period I am living in .But I assure you for the fact that I am not a time traveler who travelled from past to 21st century nor I am someone like the internet folklore of John Titor, who claimed to be from future with a mission. I am just a normal girl who prefers things in old school ways like writing letters in the golden age of uproaring technology. I just have to admit the fact that its difficult for me to talk about my emotions, it's just a really high medium of expression for me so I prefer writing it up, it gets easier this way.

Its very important to let it out. Let me tell you a secret, even the darkest of trauma and incidents can lose its power over us when they are put into words, when they are put out there in the world somewhere between those jumbled alphabets. Its the monsters inside our heads that exaggerate it all to trap us in fear. I am not saying that our personal version of such events are exaggerated, I am saying that it will always appear scary as long as it stays in our heads. You need to let it out, not allowing it to take control over the whole inside of you. Draining its toxicity out of your system, weakening its hold over you and your life. So I do what suits me, I write it out and I hope someday we both can meet in person and I can gather up the courage to speak it out to you while you can participate in this catharsis too.

I would love to have such a day when we both can sing our tales together and brim with all the universal power concentrated in one spot. That is- within our brave hearts.

Love and Butterflies,

Luna