Dear Friend

#3 Climax

Well I don't want to write about it in detail because it will only evoke bad memories you know? When I will re- read this letter before posting, I will feel like I am sending this troublesome event out there in the world giving it power to be important. I don't want that.
I know even though I am composed of mud and coverd in dirt , I still want petals of flowers to flow through me. Even though I am nothing good nor I have much goodness to give to the world , I still want to claw all the happiness on my skin and clench all the goodness in my heart. Love, happiness, courage,peace, humanity, kindness, empathy , sanity, wisdom, ,honesty, honour respect and bravery..... these words with high standing in human world and hold so much meaning. Even though they don't belong to me neither I am even a bit near to their meaning, I still desperately try to hold them tightly to myself, trying to not let them go. Most times I can feel them sliping out of grips. I am like a crow trying to be peacock.
In the end I can't change my disgusting reality with these ideals , but they are not totaly useless. It is the only way I can stay humane where I could have turned into gruesomely cruel person.
This desire to be the opposite of my disturbing reality keeps me from losing my humanity.

So in breif - on the day of festival of colours , my grandma and mom was attaked but I was there and I stood by my principle: I protect the people I want to protect,No one can hurt my people ,it does not matter if the attacker is one of my people . I was standing in between the whole time pushing him back with my fists as he came to get them again and again. I did not let him put even a scratch on anyone. Finally Grandma hid in balcony still cursing loudly ( believe me she is a very evil woman + miser+ unhygienic+ abusive so don't pity her too much). A lot of things were broken that night - our dinning table that was crashed upside down and it broke from the base and fell aside, the chairs he smashed on the floor lost a good amount of wood and some of their backs broke into half. All this time he kept on screeming like crazy , spurting all nonsense. But I stayed calm, I standing silently in front of my mom just watched him take one chair after another and smash them around while my mom cried and begged him to stop and giving some logical arguments to stop that illogical bastard. I knew she was venting her frustration by screaming what she felt and trying to make him realise how wrong he was doing. I let her scream her pain , either way he can't get past me. In those blazzing smashing noises and her screaming , i was standing in between them. I just turned my back at him and looked at the ceiling. I felt like it was so unreal. The chaotic sounds surrounding me from both sides seemed to appear distant and far away.What was happening in that moment ? Was it really happening? A strange silence had washed over me , it was an errie calmness I have never felt before, I was starting to feel more of a brain dead . Numb . It felt like I was looking myself from outside like some third person looking at the whole senerio. Okay so this is my life , my mind told me, this troublesome reality is a major part of my life. I have already accepted it and stopped expecting him to fulfill his role as my parent. Its more of the other way round. I am the parent here . Taking care of myself as well always trying fulfill the emotional and pyschological needs of both my parents and then taking care of him like he is some braty stupid teenager that I have always keep handling ;but when certain days are peaceful I tend to feel like not accepting it, not accepting this responsibility to be a parent all the time that I forget to look after my own mental and physical health. So I start to question life for its unfairness and injustice, and as always there is no answer to it.

I believe that the concept of ' victim of circumstances' is a true concept in life as we humans are sometimes exposed to so many uncertain factors and happenings by life that we have no control over the environment and its effects on us. It has been clearly dipicted in the anime - 'Tokyo Ghoul' where the main protagnist, Kaneki is just another victim of circumstances and it forces him to live in ugliness of an ugly world. Honestly its a highly disturbing anime , I only recommend if you have a brave heart and a weak memory so that you can forget it sooner because its too bloody. I cried really hard for an hour because I felt so bad for him. The circumstances changed him into a tottaly different person in the end, a beast. He did not deserve so much pain but the unfair life gave him double of it.
So the thing is "Life will always be unfair"

But as always there is no answer to my 'Whys' and there never will be so I do rather focus my wits to survive through this life.

So this went for hours and I stood there numb and calm because I have to survive this almost everyday and tonight too. So I told my mom that its no use , this brainless creature can't understand.
So this it went for another hour and in the end I draged him to his room as he lay on the floor after breaking everything to his hearts content. I shut his room and went to kitchen and then consoled my mom as she was sobbing . I let her vent and listened to all her complains with that man and this family. I consoled my mom trying to reason and cheer her up by making some jokes on him. I checked up on my brother who had started to have a headache due to his screaming. My brother lay in my room. I knew tears had dripped and he was trying to hide it by talking normally. I am not too soft as a person around him but still I sat and patted his head in a funny way telling him its okay , things happen, its okay he is a stupid man but mom and I are here. He did speak out his mind though indirestly. Also my way of consoling him, He found it weird and funny but he smiled the whole time. We both then talked about some gaming console and after few minutes we were laughing by cracking lame jokes. He seemed fine after a while and this made me contented. As a kid I never had anyone who would you know calm me or help me out to deal with these family issues. I remember, everytime there would be some fight or breaking of things or domestic violence. I would hide, usually under my blanket and shiver with fear and anxiety. I would muffle my palms on my ears and waited for the noises to stop so I could stop crying, sometimes it consumed all my night or sometimes I would cry myself to sleep. I was too small at that time to hold myself together. But I am glad atleast I can ensure my brother won't feel alone and don't have to take it all alone like I had to back then.
So after my brother's emotions seemed to have settled then I went back to comforting my mom, I don't do much , just try to talk light heartedly to her and try to emphasise the positives or some alternate stuff. She worries for what we ,I and my brother have to bear at such age but I assure her that its okay , you don't worry I can handle it and he is becoming a more mature kid , together we can laugh it off.
In the end we fed Dabba and he fell asleep soon. My brother rearranged the broken dinning table and things calmed down , now it was time to sleep. I went to my room lay in bed. Now was the time. I had held it in too long. Now I can let go , I thought. Now I can allow myself to scatter and break. Now that I was alone I had the privilege to break , the numb silence seemed too scary . So I let the tears flow silently. It is important to accept and acknowledge the pain and exhaustion I am feeling. I no more deny it.
I turned my room lights off and instead turned my fairy lights on. They made me feel calmer as I cried and soon drifted into sleep

So the night had finally ended and I could sleep :)

I wonder if you could tell me what helps you to fall asleep. It might help me out.
I hope you stay healthy both physically and mentally because taking care of yourself is important:')

Hugs and pats,

Luna