A Blind Date (Completed)

Part 10

I guess I was drunk and normally I wouldn't have put much stock into those thoughts (I figured any woman could objectively respect the beauty of another woman's form, it didn't mean anything), but one idea in particular caused me to pause. As my eyes scanned over Riley's ass as it saw high and first in her pants, I had thought, "she's got an amazing butt, it looks like Kim's when she was in college."

At first, this idea barely registered. Just one thought amongst many. But then I began to think of how strange it was that I had decided to compare physical attributes of my new friend with that of my old friends. And as I thought about that, I realized that it hadn't been the only thing. I realized other thoughts I'd had during the course of the evening, "She has a lilting laugh, like Kim," and "She rubs her lower lip with the back of her thumb, like Kim," or perhaps most damning, "she has a dirty sense of humor, nothing like Kim." Even when Riley was nothing like Kim, I found myself making that the point of comparison. It was like I was using Kim as the measuring stick by which to gauge Riley. And as I thought of that, I realized it wasn't just Riley. I compared everyone to Kim. She was the universal constant.

I felt extremely strange coming to that realization and I placed my elbows on the bar, trying to figure out what it was, exactly, I was grasping at. Thinking about Kim made me remember why I was here, the "prank." But now drunk, and no longer horribly embarrassed, I no longer felt that this explanation for the situation made any sense. Strangely, the drinking had cleared my mind a bit, allowed me to look at the situation clearly. Kim wouldn't do something just to hurt me. She wouldn't have found it funny even if it happened by accident. Eric and Kim hadn't been pulling a prank. Hell, they left money on the table for us. So what were they doing?

Suddenly, my conversation with Kim earlier in the week, when she convinced me to go on this date, flooded back to me. And listening them in my memory, without denial and discomfort I had felt in the initial event, allowed me to hear things that I hadn't heard before.

Kim said: "I can't sit by while you choose to be miserable," and "I think that you always date...the wrong kind of people...and are miserable, that you think the absence of misery is happiness." She asked "Ash, how often do we see each other? How often do we talk?" Perhaps most importantly she'd said, "You are grasping for something here, with me, that my family and I just cannot provide for you...You need... you need more than I can give you as your best friend." And she summed it all up saying "I think you want something that you don't even know that you want and cannot understand."

I stood up quickly from the bar stool, almost losing my balance. The bartender looked over at me quizzically, perhaps wondering if I was alright. But the shot of adrenaline I felt now had done wonders to mitigate my drunkenness. I cannot completely or fully describe what I was feeling at that moment, the emotions were too chaotic. All I can say was that I felt an intense existential embarrassment that had attendant branches of fear, self-loathing, confusion, shame, and surprise.

I felt like some sort of feral animal, caught play-acting like a human being. I know that makes no sense, but that was the totality of my emotion. And, as an animal, I quickly slipped into fight or flight mode. And the only thing in the world that I wanted was to be away from this place. To go back to my home, close the door, and die. That is not youthful dramatics. At that moment, the weight of my life was unbearable and while I did not want my existence to cease, it felt like it would be easier if it did.

"I am on Kim and Eric's tab," I yelled, in a crackling voice, at the bartender. He turned to me, confused. He'd been speaking with someone else. I didn't care. I felt tears in my eyes, tears that I could not adequate explained, and I turned and ran towards the door. Still a little drunk, I bumped into chairs as I moved quickly. I reached the table where Riley and I had eaten, grabbed my purse, and then I quickly made my way for the door and out into the street.

It was cold outside and I could see my breath steaming out of my mouth as I stumbled out into the dark night air. It hadn't been that cold when I arrived, but early fall was turning to late fall without the sun, it grew cold. I didn't know what time it was, but I took a deep breath and steadied myself. Then I oriented myself towards my condo and started to walk.

I didn't get very far when I heard someone calling my name. For a split second, I know it is crazy, but I thought that it was Kim. But then I heard it again, "Hey Ash? Ash? Are you alright?" It said and now I recognized it as Riley's voice. I realized I'd just abandoned her in the bar. I turned quickly and she was standing about twenty yards behind me in the doorway to the restaurant.

"I..." I started but couldn't finish. I didn't even have any idea what I was going to stay. The urge to get away came over me again and I started to turn and walk away.

"Ash? What the Hell? Was it something I said? Hey hold on!" I heard Riley say. I just kept moving. I figured she'd go back inside and find someone else to talk to. I couldn't be company right now. Maybe she'd meet a man in there and at least it would be a happy story for her. Maybe this date would be a strange story she told her kids someday about how she met their father and I would be a little color thrown in.

"Ash stop, why are you running away? I wasn't trying to offend you, drink your fucking Tequila any way you want!" Riley said and now I heard her right behind me. Riley had run after me. I stopped walking, sighed, and dropped my head. I was going to have to actually tell her to go away. I turned toward Riley and she was standing about five feet behind me. The street was completely empty and it was now very dark. Riley was standing under a street light, leaning against the pole and it seemed like the rest of the world existed as an impenetrable blackness around the light. Riley had a concerned look on her face and had her arms crossed over her breasts in the cold.

"I'm...sorry," I said finally, I walked back towards Riley and stopped when I too was standing underneath the light, just next to her.

"You don't have to be sorry if you just tell me what I did?" Riley said, she sounded very concerned. I wonder if her sort of brash attitude, which I enjoyed, was off-putting to some people. Maybe she had a fear of driving people away and I was playing into that fear. I felt an intense guilt and shook my head.

"No, no you didn't do anything," I said, "It was me, it was all me." I didn't want to say any more than that. We stood in silence for a few minutes. I was shivering in the cold and I could see Riley shaking as well. Finally, she spoke.

"Hey I've gotten the old 'it's not you, it's me' thing at the end of a dozen dates," Riley joked, "but I usually get a little more explanation." I winced when she called it a date and her features softened. Riley looked at me deeply for several seconds, "What is it Ash? Come on, we've had fun tonight, we are kind of like friends already, let me know why you ran out of that place while we were laughing and having a good time. I can listen."

I considered for a moment just making something up, just some lie to cover over everything and get home. The desire to do this was so overwhelming that for a second I opened my mouth to explain that I was sick. But I looked into Riley's eyes. I could feel a sort of...I don't know, empathy or understanding pouring out of her. I could feel her sort of going out to me. And she was right we'd had fun that night, but more than that I'd felt some connection to her that I couldn't really understand. She deserved to know the truth, she was in the same boat as me. More importantly, I wanted to tell the truth. To get this realization out of my brain and out into the world.

"I..." I started and my voice sounded choked, but Riley nodded and looked at me inquisitively, "I realized tonight that I am...sexually attracted to my best friend Kim. I think I am infatuated with her," I finally managed to say. Riley jerked back like she'd been hit.