A Blind Date (Completed)

Part 11 (I Fell in love with my Best Friend)

[Listen to this song while reading]

The effect on me was even greater. Ever since I'd had my sort of dawning of knowledge in the bar, I had avoided actually, explicitly thinking about what it was that I was thinking. I had sort of walled it up, one last ditch defense by my denial. But saying the words out loud made it undeniable. I desired my best friend, I wanted to love her and make love to her.

Thinking that caused a dozen scattered images to flitter through my brain, things that Kim had clearly noticed even when I did not. I remembered watching a movie with Kim in college and cuddling up extremely close to her, actually putting my head on her shoulder. I remembered going to the beach with her one year and conspicuously wiping sand off of her ass. I remembered driving to a concert with her once when Eric was sick and couldn't make it and actually saying that I wished it was always just the two of us. Perhaps most damning, I remembered her picking me up at the airport once after a long business trip, we'd hugged at I'd held her a little too long. I'd gone to kiss her on the cheek, but leaned too far and kissed the corner of my mouth. We laughed it off, but it hadn't totally been an accident.

Now, these were just a handful of moments across a relationship that spanned a decade and a half. Each event was a tiny little bit of my life that by itself was largely meaningless. I hadn't even realized that there was a pattern. But, now the first time thinking of these events cumulatively, I suddenly felt pathetic, transparent, and stupid. Obviously, Kim had seen these isolated events and discerned what I could not. She knew I loved her in a way that was far different from the way she loved me. And so she'd...tried to make me understand. Oddly, this made me both intensely ashamed but also made me love Kim even more. Not embarrassed or disgusted by me, she just tried to help me. That was the Kim I knew, not the prankster. But I was still pathetic.

Riley was still looking at me, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly ajar. She was still shivering, but her focus was entirely on me now. I realized I owed her a little bit more.

"I'm really sorry. I wasn't trying to leave you like that...I mean I was but it wasn't about you. I think that my friend realized that I had feelings for her and so she set me up on this date with you. I don't think it was a joke, I think she was trying to help me. But when I realized it, I just needed to leave. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't even know why they picked you, maybe they thought because you were young and sounded rebellious...I don't know. But I was just trying to leave before anything got awkward." I spilled it all out, trying to be truthful but to say as little about myself as possible. I noticed Riley's eyes drop and I figured that she understood. She was shaking her head. I felt dirty and ashamed. I hoped this meant I could now leave.

"It all makes sense," Riley whispered and a winced. Had she been able to tell I was attracted to women too? Was I the only one who didn't know? "The Christmas party," she said.

"What?" I asked. Riley looked up at me. I saw something familiar in her eyes, confusion or something different. She was taking deep breaths and gulping. What was going on?

"Last winter, at the office Christmas party," Riley said and then paused for a minute, not letting her eyes meet mine, "I got really drunk. I always get drunk in social situations. I always act the same, drunk or sober, but at least when I am drunk I don't feel embarrassed about it. Anyway, I got into a yelling match with some secretary from a different department and Eric had grabbed and pulled me into his office. Everyone got a laugh about it.

"Once we were back inside, Eric calmed me down, got me to realize that I was going to get myself fired. I was really pissed at him at first, but he was really sweet about everything. So I started talking to him about how I used to get in fights all the time when I was drinking in college and that got me reminiscing about college. You know how it is when you are drunk, and you just want to talk about stuff. And Eric was just fine to listen and everything. So I told him that when I was in school that Heather would keep me out of trouble, just like he was doing then.

"That got me talking about Heather, just general stuff, stories and everything. And I must've told him (I can't remember 100% if I told him, but I must've) about something that happened my senior year. Heather and I went out drinking and I got in a screaming match with some girl. As a result, we didn't get back to campus until late. Heather was only a sophomore so she still had a roommate. She didn't want to wake her roommate up, so I invited her stay in my room. Got back to the room and I passed out drunk on the bed.