It's 1 am and what am I doing? Writing fan fic, of course!
TW
I am most certainly not okay. I feel the same as I did before I had become friends with Phil. I feel alone. Anthony is keeping me away from Phil, and things between Phil and I are just sort of awkward. I don't even like Anthony. He's an obnoxious asshole; and not Phil.
Phil texts me, and I tell him that I'm alright, despite me not being. He cares still. I must seem like such a crappy person to him, but he still cares. I don't deserve this, I deserve pain, relief. I head into the bathroom and do what I have to do, adding to my collection of scars.
The pace of my breathing picks up, my vision going hazy, hands shaking uncontrollably. Another bloody panic attack. Crap. I pace around my scanty flat, feeling the flow of tears coming. I'm never enough, I always fuck everything up!
"FUCK!" I scream, throwing my head into my hands. I guess 'innocent' pastel boy has found a reason to swear now. My body suddenly gets overcome with a hot flush. Everything is too hot, too fucking warm.
I pull my sweater off, now only in a thin white t-shirt. It's not enough, still too warm. I walk over to the window, trying to crack it open, but my hands are too shaky, so I struggle. Of course, it's fucking locked, and I keep dropping the tiny key, causing me to scream out of frustration. Eventually, I manage to open the window, being rewarded by a gush of wind cooling down my body.
My breathing begins to get cut off every few seconds and I'm able to feel the pulse in my neck. I throw my head back and squint my eyes shut, trapping the tears that would otherwise further dampen my cheeks.
I continue to pace around the flat, tripping on something and falling onto the floor. I manage to pull myself up so that I'm sat upright, picking up whatever it was that I tripped on and throwing it towards one of the walls, hearing a harsh smash. The sound causes my ears to ring, making my head ache even more than before, which I didn't even notice.
I let out gaspy sobs, pulling my hair harshly, then running it between my trembling fingers. Abruptly my body gets overtaken by the cold, and I begin to shiver, crawling across the ground to grab my sweater and pull it over my head, legs too weak to stand quite yet.
Minutes later, and I'm walking over to the window and slamming it shut, not bothering with locking it. It's still too cold, so I run, well, walk unevenly, thrashing from side to side, into my bedroom, jumping onto my bed and pulling the duvet over my body.
It's still too cold. Everything is cold. Everything hurts, and it's all too much. I can't take it. All I can hear is my heavy sobs filling the room as I attempt to fall asleep and end this mess.
YOU ARE READING
TOO GOOD ; Phan
Fanfiction"Too good to be good for me, Too bad that that's all I need." //Some chapter will have TW written at the top if I decide they need a trigger warning// [COMPLETED]
