breathe me (e.dolan)

twenty-one

The air around me whistled past my ear, blowing my hair behind me and lifting the invisible weight off of my chest just enough for me to feel like I could breathe. In the breeze, I could have sworn I could make out the scent of Ethan's cologne, could have sworn I could hear his voice in my ear. That was why I decided against opening my eyes; I didn't want to face the reality that he wasn't really here. I could feel the tears drying on my cheeks, and opening my eyes before the feeling passed would only create more.

I found myself pulling out my phone then, an impulse move just like it had been every other time I called to leave a voicemail for Ethan. I unlocked my phone hastily, searched for my recent call history and dialled the first one on the list. Even after all this time, hearing Ethan's outgoing message on his voicemail still made my breath catch in my throat.

"Hey this is Ethan, sorry I missed your call. You know what to do!"

I took a deep breath and began talking, stared out at the almost hidden horizon as I made conversation with Ethan's answering machine.

"Right now, I'm at the park. The same one you and I always used to go to," I began to trail off, talking mindlessly to Ethan to ease some of the aching in my chest. With every word that left my lips I could feel myself relaxing my shoulders a little bit more. Ethan always listened so quietly whenever I used to call him randomly and tell him about my day. It became almost easy over the course of the voicemails I sent, to pretend he was really on the other line, laying on his bed and listening to my rambling with a smile on his face. "But even though you're still alive, I feel like you're here with me in spirit. Like maybe you're still sitting beside me. I can almost feel- what?" A beeping sounded on my phone, and I pulled it away from my face in confusion to stare down at the message posted on my screen:

Incoming call from Grayson Dolan

Everything felt heavy again. The weight in my chest came crashing back down harder than ever. My heart, my stomach, and every bone in my body seemed to tense up, like I was suffocating from the inside out. There was no way Grayson would call me, not unless it was important; not unless it was about Ethan. There were so many things racing around in my head that it took me a moment to do something — anything.

"Oh my- Grayson's calling me," I said in a monotone into my phone. "Why is Grayson calling me right now?" My voice began to grow worried, my breathing heavy. "This- I'm- Oh my God, please tell me you're awake, I have to go, I'm-"

Before I could finish my sentence, I ended my call with Ethan and pressed the green 'answer' button on my phone. With my hands already shaking, I put the device up to my ear.

"Grayson?" I exhaled. I could hear him breathing hard - no, I could hear him sobbing. He's awake, he has to be awake!

"Peyton, get down here, get down here- hurry."

Everything moved in slow motion. Everything was a blur. I couldn't remember sprinting back down the trail, couldn't remember driving to the hospital at the fastest speed I'd ever driven. I couldn't even remember the walk up to Ethan's hospital room. All I could remember was walking in and seeing doctors everywhere, shouting over the beeping of Ethan's heart monitors, trying their best to spike the flat line running across the screen, trying to breathe life back into Ethan's failing body. I felt helpless as I watched the love of my life slip away, couldn't even bring myself to comfort Grayson as he screamed bloody murder for his brother to wake up through the sobs racking his body.

And I felt my world collapse.

I watched as the doctors slowly began to straighten out their posture. They stared at each other with the same knowing look that I was sure they were more than used to giving on a daily basis. One of them reached over to turn off Ethan's beeping heart monitor, but the sound continued to ring like an alarm in my ears anyway. Then, one of them looked at the clock and called the time in a quiet voice. That was when I knew it was over.

In the corner, I could hear Ethan's parents sobbing. Beside me, I could hear Grayson crying, cursing, and screaming like no one else was around. Somewhere in the air, I could hear someone else screaming too, but I didn't realize it was me until I had run up to Ethan's hospital bed and I was shaking his lifeless shoulders and one of the endless tears streaming messily down my face had landed on Ethan's pale cheek. That was when I knew it was me screaming, and that was when the memories came flooding back as quickly as the tears in my eyes.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Ethan and I think I'm in love with you."

"I've known you for like a year, Peyton, and you're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

"Only my brother could attract that much attention from a girl without even saying a word."

"Peyton, will you be my boyfriend? Shit, oh my God, I meant girlfriend. Ugh. Damn it, will you just go out with me?"

"I-I love you."

"I'd never leave you, Peyton."

And yet, he left me anyway. Ethan Dolan, the only boy I'd ever loved, was gone. And without him, I felt like I could no longer breathe.

•

ETHAN DOLAN, 18, of Long Valley, New Jersey, has passed away after succumbing to injuries sustained from a grand mal seizure. In his month long fight in a medically-induced coma, Ethan's doctors say his death was a result of brain contusions obtained during the seizure, and the bacteria that he was exposed to in the hospital while in his weakened state.

Ethan, as told by his family, friends, and girlfriend, was bright, adventurous, outgoing, and "always the life of the party." He cared deeply and endlessly for others. His presence will never be forgotten by those close to him.

Ethan is survived and will be dearly missed by his parents, Lisa and Sean Dolan; twin brother, Grayson Dolan; sister, Cameron Dolan, and his many other family members.

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epilogue coming in three hours
doNT KILL ME omfnfdjjz im actually crying rn sory bye i love ethan my baby boy omfg

also i did as much research i possibly could for that obituary please correct me if anything in there makes no sense!

el