Critique Care

The Third Patient

Just You! by Levia_Ackerman

The diagnosis is only based on my perspective. Forgive me for I might be blatant with my words. Whatever the result of your critique may be, use this as a stepping stone in your writing experience.

Title
It's good.

Cover

It's adorable, light, and suits the genre. The only thing bugging me was the blurry username. 

Genre
Walang angal. This category is what mostly makes the population in Wattpad— teens (including I).

Blurb

You really have a problem with redundancy. Alam mo na ang katapat n'yan... remove, rephrase, or combine (in this case). I sound like a broken recorder here saying this to you. Nakakarindi, 'no? I share the same feeling with both of your blurbs. Although, the summary is better than CHS's, content-wise.

Last paragraph should go like this.
Let that person go or admit your feelings before it's too late. Choose your fate. 

A paragraph should consist at least two sentences. Two sentences joined in one is a run-on; it's a common mistake. Either separate them with a comma, semi-colon, or period.

Plot
Narrates the events during the high school fourth year of Mirajane and her friends. Expecting a drama or a heavy twist coming though. 'Wag mo lang iwan sa ere ang title.

Content
Prologue was more like a blurb. Emphasize what you've written there by showing me a scene.

In your second chapter, The first day do's and don'ts are relatable, but are they essential to the story? Kind of dragged. It seems to me you're only in it for the word count. Pati na rin iyong nagluluto siya ng hotdog in the third chapter. This is not a variety cooking show. Ito magiging resulta 'pag hindi marunong mag-show.

Makukulit ang mga characters mo, I know. It's entertaining to watch them, seriously. However, the whole thing about them thinking of their group name is shallow. Nakakasuya 'pag dinalawa mo ang mga kabanata tungkol doon.

Ayos iyong batuhan nila ng mga linya doon sa last chapter mo. (First book lined up that I get to read till the end.)

Transitions are smooth as a baby's butt.

Characterization
No distinctions among characters. Puro sila mga tili, nagiging pabebe ang iba.

Si Jung? Hopeless din. Minsan mabait, madalas may topak.

Dialogues
Unlike last time, you have minimal mistakes with your punctuation marks. Watch out, still.

There are some unnecessary dialogues. Sa sobrang haba at walang kwenta ng iba, I just skimmed through it. Walang gamot sa ka-kornihan, or I'm just not in the mood to indulge good ole jokes.

Technicalities
For the nth time, be mindful of your conjunctions. They are not allowed to be at the start of a sentence.

Hindi pa rin natanggal problema mo sa English at Filipino. Another is sometimes your narrator sounded so conyo. (See? Pati sinabi ko, arte pakinggan.) Avoid mixing two languages in a sentence. E.g. that dress is maganda.

In formal writing, there's no such thing as yung. Only iyong or 'yong. Di doesn't exist too; only 'di or hindi.

'Wag ka rin mag-hahehihohu sa mga narration at dialogues. Utang na loob lang.

You have a lot of fragments. Fragments are phrases or sentences without a complete thought.

Consistency of only one verb tense. Bawal maging two-timer.

Point of view
You know how to handle first POVs since it's the easiest among those.

Show versus tell

This is not the first day of school to introduce Mirajane to your readers. Don't do this in one blow. That's basically telling.

Overall
One and a half sana kaso hindi ako mahilig magbigay ng butal. A two for you. Change can't be done in one seating.

We met again, Levia_Ackerman. Suki ka na agad dito! This critique is shorter than usual, so feel free to ask any question. (Hindi naman kasi ako mema.) Sasagutin ko lahat ng mga katanungan mo. I'm sure there are things that are miss or need elaboration.

One more to go.