I Wish (Niall Horan)

Chapter Seventeen

Seventeen

My heart raced.  No.  She can’t be here.  I was in the process of forgetting about her.  Getting better.  Moving on.  She can’t just come and start it all over again.  It’s not fair.  “Hi Niall,”  she said carefully.  

She looked tired, a little sad.  “…What are you doing here?”  I asked warily.  It sounded rude when it came out, and when her face fell, I regretted my tone.

“I’ve been calling…” she said.  “It’s been so long, why haven’t you texted me?  Or like… called to let me know how you’re doing?”  Her faced was twisted up in sadness and disappointment, and it killed me to see her this upset.  “I thought we were best friends.  Best friends aren’t supposed to just blatantly ignore each other.”  Her voice cracked mid sentence.

I just stood in the doorway like an idiot.  I hadn’t planned for her to just come by.  I suppose I should have accounted for this, though, knowing Sophia.  “I’m sorry, I just…”  I struggled for a suitable explanation, but I couldn’t find one.  I couldn’t tell her the real reason why I couldn’t see her.  Her eyes were pooling up with a thin layer of tears.  I hadn’t seen her cry for almost three years.  And there she was, crying in front of me and I wasn’t even going to console her.  The one thing I never wanted to do, and I had done it.  The thing that was presumably impossible, I’d done it.  I had made Sophia cry.

“Well?”  she insisted, her voice cracking again as another tear rolled down her cheek.

I just watched her, and I felt so angry.  I was angry at her for making me fall in love with her and being so unobtainable.  But I was more angry at myself for doing this to myself, doing this to her.  I felt the anger and the sadness pool up inside me, and I unintentionally raised my voice.  “I just can’t do this anymore!”  I shouted.  “I can’t.  I can’t be around you anymore!  Not at all, ever.”  

Sophia stared at me in disbelief.  “If this is some kind of sick joke, Niall…”  Her voice was frustrated and it quivered when she spoke.

“No,”  I said, tears coming to my eyes.  “I’m sorry, it’s… I’m sorry.”  Finally tears began streaming down my face, too.

Sophia shook her head.  “I don’t understand.  What have I done?”  she asked desperately.  “Was it John?  Did he say something to you, or…”  Her breathing was shaky and I wanted to calm her, but I knew it would only complicate this, as complicated as it already was.  A tear rolled down her face.  “I just don’t understand.”  Another tear.  

“I’m sorry,”  I said softly, not knowing what else I could say.  “You should probably just go, Sophia.”

“Niall! No, you can’t.”  she cried, tears falling heavily.  She reached out to touch my shoulder.  I pulled back a little, avoiding her touch.

“Sophia.”  I said, too firm.  This was the only way I could do it.  Just make her go, put all feelings aside.  It would be easier for both of us in the long run.  Right?  “Just go.”  Sophia just stared at me in complete disbelief, as if she were in a dream, just waiting to wake up.  She wanted a reason why.  It was written all over her face.  I knew I should.  Just give her that to go with.  I couldn’t.  There was only one reason, and she couldn’t know.  “Just go,”  I said again, barely in a whisper.

Sophia, without a word, wiped at one of the many tears that were smeared across her cheeks, gave me one last pained look, and left.  The last look she gave me was haunting.  It was so full of sadness and hate and pain and distrust, like a sad dog who had just been hit by their owner.

I stood in the doorway for a moment, taking in deep breaths.  Finally, I turned around into the flat and shut the door behind me.  I started to walk back down the hall, and saw Liam standing there, regret painted all over his face.  I could barely look at him.  “Niall, if you want to talk…”

I shook my head.  “No, I don’t want to.”  I said quietly, turning to go back to my room.  I needed to be alone.

“Niall, wait.  You need to talk for a minute.”  he pleaded, grabbing my wrist gently.

I swiveled around, so full of an incomprehensible level of emotion.  “NO!”  I shouted.  “I don’t need to talk!  I’ve been talking for the past two months EVERY time you or one of the boys said I ‘needed’ to!”  I shouted.  “You know what?!  There’s nothing to talk about anymore!  You want me to talk about what just happened?  That’s pointless, because you saw it!  You were watching the whole time!  There is nothing to talk about, Liam!”

Liam looked shocked.  “Niall, it’s going to be okay…” he said in an attempt to console me.

I shook my head furiously.  “No!  It’s not.  Because I just told my best friend, the girl that I’m in love with that I can’t ever see her again!  Do you even have a first fucking clue how that feels?!  Oh, right, you don’t!  Because you’ve got a perfect relationship with Danielle, and you don’t even know how lucky you are.  She loves you back, Liam!  She loves you, and she wants to be with you!  So don’t tell me it’s going to be okay, because you have no fucking idea how it feels!”  I screamed, tears falling uncontrollably down my face.

Liam didn’t even look hurt by my words, he just looked upset.  “You’re right,” was all he said.  He took a tentative step toward me.  I wiped uselessly at my soaked face, and Liam gave me a hug.  I fell right into his shoulders, and began sobbing uncontrollably into his shoulder. 

In between sobs, I managed to choke out a strangled “I’m sorry” which I repeated over and over like a broken record.  I wasn’t so much apologizing for yelling at him as I was apologizing to a long gone Sophia.  I was sorry for falling for her.  For letting it go this far.  For never doing anything when I saw the bruises not once, but twice on her arms.  And for leaving her when she and I needed each other most.  I was even sorry for myself, even though I didn’t deserve it.

Every time I felt myself calming down a bit, I remembered Sophia’s face just before she left.  It was covered with a look of sadness and disbelief, and there were rare tears steaming all across her cheeks.  She was so beautiful and this was my fault.  I did this.  I made that beautiful girl cry.  That beautiful girl that I’d devoted so much of my time to taking care of, and I completely went back on it.  I went back on every promise I had ever made her of never hurting her.  Never leaving her.  And I did.  

What if this was the sort of thing I couldn’t ever fix?  What if I didn’t want to fix it?  Maybe it’s best for me to get over her.  Find some other girl that’s something like her.  Part of me wanted to believe that this would happen, but the bigger part knew that any girl I ever met wouldn’t even be half as beautiful as Sophia; inside or out.  No other girl would have such wide, kind eyes and that long hair.  No one had the same delicate features, such a good ability to just listen when you needed to talk.  No one had those same freezing hands that could be warmed when you wrap yours around them.  No one had such kindness, generosity, such beauty.  That terrified me.  

What if, for the rest of my life, I had to sit back and watch my friends fall in love?  And get married?  And start families, and grow old? What if I was completely left behind, watching them grow and change while I was kept the same, still hoping that one day Sophia would love me back the way that I loved her?