The phoenix's hypothesis - Book 1 (MxM 18+)

Chapter 53: Guilt

Anthony, Mon Jun 29th 2015

Hell. It is the same hell all over again. The same shameful medical examinations. The same treatment I will have to take against STDs.  It seems my life is stuck on repeat on its worst moments. Except this time I will have to bear with the rejection of my Master on top of this. I don't see how he could want me back when I have been soiled by Bad Guy; when I have cheated on him by calling another one Master, sucked his dick willingly and even enjoyed being fucked by him.

Now that I am safely away from this nightmarish house, I can't believe I let myself be dominated so easily. How could I whore myself just for a bit of comfort? I shouldn't have yielded so quickly. I am disgusted with myself for being so weak. Yes he would have hit me more or raped me more violently, but I should have borne with the pain stoically. Anything instead of betraying my Master almost instantly like a pathetic excuse of a human being.

When he is done with me I won't return to the Blue Hedonism. Seeing him there with another Sub would hurt too much. Oh God when he divorces me, I won't be able to stay in the country! I don't have a visa through the French high school anymore! I guess I will have to go back to France to live my pitiful life. Not that I deserve anything else.

There is absolutely no doubt in my head that he will leave me. He may have reassured me via phone call earlier when Tanner had to deal with my panic attack, but when he knows the whole truth and discovers what a slut I am, there is no way he is going to stay. I stopped crying after that call, entering a state of numbness. While they drove me to the hospital, asked questions to which I replied mechanically, did some blood shots or probed inside my ass, I was trying to prepare for the moment my Master would arrive.

How do you tell the person you love you cheated on them in the worst ways possible? How do you bear with their rightful rejection afterward? I don't know yet, and I am not very impatient to find out. This will make each time I was raped seem like a walk in the park in comparison. This will be worse than the two times I discovered every one of my colleagues or students saw pictures of me being abused. I just wish I could go back in time, three days ago, and change every decision I made. I would gladly exchange the physical pain against the anguish I am experiencing right now.

My dark train of thoughts is finally interrupted when my Master enters the room I am waiting in. Even if he looks tired, with bags under his red eyes, he is still the most gorgeous male on earth. I feel a short moment of relief when I see him, before guilt returns tenfold and tears begin to flood on my cheeks. I had the perfect relationship with this beautiful man, but of course, I had to ruin everything.

He runs toward me and hugs me tightly. Everything in him soothes me: his powerful chest, the smell of his cologne, his strong arms holding me, his gentle voice reassuring me. But I don't deserve any of this anymore. I don't let myself revel in his embrace and calm down. This is probably the last time he cuddles me like this, but I can't let myself enjoy it. When I finally manage to have my mouth work properly, I just say how sorry I am again and again.

"Shhhh! Stop apologizing like this, Pet! I've got you! You're safe now."

I know that, he just doesn't understand why I am repenting yet. Telling him is going to be one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I feel a huge pain form in my chest while I am trying to from the words that will make him leave.

"Stop being so nice!" I eventually shriek. "I don't deserve your kindness! I have cheated on you!" I voluntarily don't call him by his rightful title, I am unworthy of doing so. He will reject me anyway.

"What are you talking about, Pet?" he asks softly, not letting go of me. Instead of relaxing in his embrace like I usually do, I am actually beginning to suffocate. I need to get out! I struggle a bit in his constricting arms but he eventually lets me go and I retreat on the other end of the bed. I see disappointment flash in his eyes before I lower my eyes and look at my feet. He is going to be as sickened as I am soon, I might as well just begin.