My hundred goodbye's to you

3.

Do you remember how we always noticed when something was wrong? 

Even if you were not there, if you couldn't see my face expression, you couldn't hear my voice...just words. The way I talked...you always knew in what mood I was in. I miss that almost more then anything.

You were my human diary. You knew how to listen to every single problem, endlessly. As much it took to get the anger out of my system. Even if you didn't know anything about the subject and your advice's  did not help much. Just listening helped a lot. You made me feel like everything I ever said, no matter how stupid it may have been was of great importance. That feeling is the essential part of every relationship - believe me. 

I had my weak moment again. I couldn't resist so I send you a message "Cheat day?" . It seems like it made you happy because you answered as fast as humanly possible agreeing. We talked long hours into the night and all the things you said...We discussed our last conversation which sounded much like final goodbye and we both cried. Heartbroken. You simply said " Be mine." What hurts the most is that we both know that our situation doesn't let us be together..

Why all this complications  you may ask

Well lets begin with the most obvious reason 

1. We didn't see each other for more then then a year due to a bit more then a 140 km. 

(plus a lot of waiting at the border)

Yes, i know. People crossed way more km for love. Broke rules.Now  when I tell you all the reasons maybe you will get a clearer picture of whats actually the reason.

2. His dad doesn't approve of mixing nations so he would not be happy to see us together.

When I think  about it not many people would which brings me to my next reason.

3. My parents want me somebody who is ambitious and has his life figured out. He frustrates even his parents with "go with the flow" style of life. He failed a class. For some reason not likable to most people.  Antisocial a bit. Went trough depression. Problematic on few levels.

Some would describe him as classic "Bad boy." I wouldn't . Most people today doesn't  like  to dig to the soul and see what a person really is like. I do. So this is him : caring, emotional, would do everything to help others, he is not selfish. He waited for me all this time - patient. He did not give up on me - persistent. I fell for his soul.  Yes, when we met he was in deep depression but still put a smile every single day on our faces. He was so gentle with little kids. He stayed up every night with me when I could not sleep (which was very often) until we could't keep our eyes open anymore. What I always loved about him was his way of thinking. He is only person who I could get into a deep conversation and say whatever I wanted without feeling uncomfortable about it. We talked about literally everything. Our problem is that we still fight the urge to talk to each other every hour of the day. Even if we run out of topics we just come up with something completely random. 

Even tho we want it now, we are not certain if its right...doubts...they are the most dangerous killer.

4. We aren't sure if it is worth it.  we are both quite young to get into something so complicated as long distance relationships can be. Especially this one.Going against what our parents told us. Against one part of myself in a way. Judging by looks I would say he is better looking then me but my friends always claimed we fit perfectly. I am in one of the hardest collages in country - law school. He is hasn't finished even high school yet even tho he is year older. He is a sport type. One of the best in his category. But sport is unstable in a way. There are so many different ways of success and I do believe in him but I he doesn't in himself.  

I am overthinking everything. Counting pluses and minuses. I never got a final equation. What is math for? I know how to calculate with imaginary numbers, hundred equations  but I don't know most important one of all. The one that leads to happiness in life and the one that helps me calculate what is the right thing to do.

Right now I don't know any other then to let go and simply say

Goodbye...