How to Hold Your Head and Your Heart

You Useless Corpse!

I'd like to say I lived my life with no regrets, but thinking back on it now, I'd change a few things if I could.

Like that time I walked under that ladder, or the time I accidently chipped off the corner of that mirror, or whatever the hell else I did to piss off the gods.

Because now I was stuck babysitting my idiot zombified corpse, and I could only watch as he made me look like a demented moron.

"No, Bud. That's a ceramic plate. You can't eat that-"

I was interupted by a very loud crunch and cringed a bit.

"You know I flossed those teeth every day."

Grunt.

"Okay, maybe every other day."

Grunt.

"I've flossed."

There was no telling if he could actually hear me or not, but the amount of sass that came out of that creature's mouth was unbelievable.

You see, I couldn't just die like a normal person. No, that'd be too easy.

Instead, my freaking zombified cousin (Frank) (Later dubbed Frankenstein by yours truly) took a chunk out of my leg three days after I'd turned eighteen. (Say what you will, but I think that's a pretty accurate representation of adulthood). I then proceeded to fight off the infection for two excruciatingly painful days before my spirit decided to leave my body.

Now I just float around and yell at my moron of a body even though no one can hear or see me.

"Hey. Where are you going now?"

I followed ZomBenny through the overturned rubble. Yeah, that's what I call him. "My zombified body" gets a little old after a while.

Grunt.

"No. That's a basement. Don't you dare fall down there," I pointed a finger at him and gave him a stern look.

Maybe he could hear me, because, much to my surprise, he actually stopped in his tracks.

Then a rat ran out of the rubble and he started to follow it. I sighed dramatically, relieved at least that the rodent was running away from the gaping hole in the ground.

A frustrated, animalistic groan drew my eyes ahead.

"Now look what you've done!" I cried exasperatedly as I caught up with him again. A bit of the tattered shirt he had on had caught on a metal pipe or whatever from some of the crumbled walls. ZomBenny kept walking forward like an idiot, even though he wasn't getting anywhere. "You're stuck now, Bud. How does that make you feel?"

"What the hell are you doing? Back away from there!" A new voice called. I wondered who they were talking to.

With curiosity peaked, I turned to see a girl with a shotgun pointing straight at my zombified counterpart. I narrowed my eyes at her and looked around, trying to figure out who that statement was directed at.

"Oi. Are you deaf? I said move!" she shouted again.

"Me?" I asked confusedly, pointing towards my chest.

"Who do you think I'm talking to dumbass?" she rolled her eyes.

"Wait. You can see m-" ZomBenny took that exact moment to tear through the shirt. His attention latched onto the girl and she cursed loudly, sending a few bullets his way before sprinting off through the rubble.

"You useless corpse! Now you've gone and scared her off," I glared at ZomBenny. Then I started running after the girl, knowing there was no way in Hell I was letting her run away when she could actually see me.

"Hey, wait!" I called, thanking whatever gods were out there that ghosts didn't need to catch their breath. "Girl!"

"In here," the girl suddenly popped out of the still standing doorway of a partially collapsed building. I watched as she reached out to grab my arm. She seemed a little surprised when her hand went right through me. "What the f-"

And cue ZomBenny.

The girl cursed again and slammed the door shut, probably trying to keep me out as well.

"You know he really is quite harmless," I called through the door, trying not to freak her out. "He's too stupid to kill anyone. I didn't know this, but did you know it's possible for a zombie to survive solely on ceramic plates and rocks?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You just seemed a little tense," I shrugged, even though she couldn't see it.

"Leave me alone."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Why the hell not?" her tone was harsh.

"Well you see, this is the first decent conversation I've had in four years."

"Four years? You're... you're a... ghost, aren't you?" she said rather tentatively.

"Sure. Let's go with that."

"Get away from me. And take that freaking zombie with you."

Sighing dramatically, I walked through the wooden door only for her to scream in surprise.

I held my hands up in surrender and said in a very calm voice, "I can't hurt you."

"I don't believe you," she said, holding herself in a defensive stance.

I sighed again. "Look. I can't interact with anything in the material world," to prove my point, I stuck my arm through the wall and tried to pick up something off of a small table. "Which means that I can neither touch, nor possess you. Happy?"

She still didn't look convinced, so with a dramatic eye roll, I held up my hand and said, "Put your hand against mine."

She hesitantly stepped forward and held up her own hand. I knew her curiosity was winning the battle in her head. Slowly, she moved her hand closer to mine, and I didn't move as to not freak her out.

When her hand reached the point where it should've been touching mine, I watched her eyes widen as she realized she felt nothing.

I closed my fingers slowly, and heard the breath get sucked out of her body as my fingers simply went through her hand.

"I don't feel anything," she breathed.

"That's because there's nothing there to feel. I don't exist. Not materially anyway. My material body is that decomposing idiot out there."

The girl's gaze flicked to the door, where ZomBenny was obviously pacing.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Bea," she said.

"Bee? Like a bubble bee?" I asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"No. B-e-a. Short for Beatrice."

"Oh. Well my name's Benny Wilder. I call that moron out there ZomBenny."

"ZomBenny?"

"ZomBenny."