100 Miles and Running

OliveTheory

I was working night shift, and even on my days off I would be awake until sunrise. The problem was, when I didn't have work to distract me I would get tangled up in my own thoughts. I spent many nights writing long notes in my phone and sending after I finished and proof-read them. I got mad about girls from his past. I got mad about the things he would "like" online.

"Why are you liking every picture she posts? Every one of them!"

Or how he didn't pay attention when I would tag him in something. When I had those meltdowns, he went on a spree, liking everything and commenting here and there. But I always felt cheap. Like I was begging for attention and getting it out of pity. He said he just didn't interact online. That he saw everything, and just wouldn't think to hit the "like" button. It still bothered me.

A lot of my notes went the same way: acknowledgment of what I was doing that made me want to write, my first feeling, a drawn out thought that was nagging my brain, an over the top confession of my love, followed by a "whatever" or "it doesn't matter", the sad part where I said something along the lines of "I know we'll never be together" and I hoped he contradicted that in his reply, the compliments, and a final "I love you and I always will".

I always said "I love you". From the beginning, and I never stopped. But he did. I don't know the last time he said it in that context, but I remember realizing that he hadn't been saying it back anymore. When I asked him why, he said it didn't feel right. That he felt like he was hurting me more by continuing the way we were and not being in a relationship. It was true. When a guy says he loves you but won't date you, it fucks with your mind. It would kind of sting, every time I said it to him and he would reply with "aww".

Somewhere down the road we were talking about it. We spent quite a bit of time talking about my feelings. They ran rampant and I would cry almost daily.

"I love you, but not in a girlfriend way. You're my friend."

Every time he said that word, it was like being stabbed in the heart. Friend. That's all I was. Friends are disposable though. You can walk away from a friend a hell of a lot easier than you can from someone you love. But I powered through. I was determined, I'm not sure about what, but I knew I had a fire in me.

I had this theory. He never denied it, instead always replying with an "I don't know". But that was his answer for everything. I don't know. Colson was never one to plan ahead. He always said he lived in the moment, and didn't think about the future. But I would tell him time and time again, that I believed he did love me. In some amount, somewhere in the caverns of his heart, he felt something for me. Our relationship wouldn't have been the way it was if he didn't. He would even say things like:

"You're the only one for me."

"I'm not interested in anyone else."

"I want you everyday."

But he was still Colson. He still couldn't say he loved me. He still couldn't commit. But we had an exclusive "relationship". I hated explaining it to my friends.

"We're just friends, best friends actually. I love him, and he's sweet. He's just not ready." and then I'd tell them about the cute things he did, or a conversation I had with him, and they always said the same thing:

"Y'all are dating. He may not admit it, but you're a couple already."

It always upset Colson when I would tell him about it. One friend after the other would say the same thing and I would message him laughing.

"Oh my gosh, my friends are crazy! They all say the same thing, it's like they're conspiring or something." But he never found it funny. Instead he would get mad. Not at me, but at himself for putting us into this situation. Weird how it was funny when his friends said it a few months back, but now that mine say it, it's no laughing matter.

His emotional distance increased. We still talked every day, but he was changing. I longed for the days of "I love you"s and snapchat screenshots. For a while he had a folder of my pictures in his phone. He even told me which were his favorites. Somewhere along the way we had argued. When he told me, I didn't think we had an argument any time recently. But sometimes two people don't perceive a conversation the same way. To me, it was just another emotional whirlwind that would subside after a good cry. To him, he thought it was the end. He said he had deleted all my pictures. He was preparing for it to be over.

That broke my heart. He had a knack for doing that. How could he delete them? He had been ready to walk away. He was bracing himself to lose me. But we promised. Was he going to go back on that promise? I knew I wouldn't. So why did he think it would be over? Did he not trust me to stay? I thought the hundred million love notes were enough proof I would never leave him. I hoped he wasn't going to be the one to walk out when he thought we were through. Although, every morning I would send him the same message, "Good morning, handsome!" So I guess he realized it wasn't over after a small spat. I still wonder to this day, who was the one who was supposed to leave?