Way We Go Down ｡ Natasha Romanoff

13 - TO FIND PEACE

Natasha Romanoff did not like worrying but the nagging voice in her mind sounded in the early hours of the mornings like clockwork. She would wait while the shadows danced on the ceiling, the hours ticking pass midnight slowly. The night was full of silence, but that did not scare her. She was shaped into somebody that was taught never to scare easily. No, it was not the silence that ate at her heart but the wimping, the groaning and the cries that slipped from Alec Thayer's lips as his body twisted and turned with nightmares.

"Alec, hey." Her tiny hand would grasp his bicep, trying to wake him before the nightmares became too real in his mind. Some night she was able to wake him with her sweet voice and call to him through the haze, but other nights she would have to tear away the blankets and shake him until his eyes snapped open wide, tears glistening in the moonlight. 

Tonight had been the worst though. His cries had echoed through the darkness but she had been awake, she was always awake now. She had placed her hand on his feverish skin, trying to lightly wake him but tonight, he was in too deep. His body was suddenly flipping her over, pinning her against the mattress. "Alec." Her voice rasped out, but she couldn't reach him. His hands went around her throat, pressing harder and harder. She could feel her body panicking, her legs kicking out but her defences could not kick in, he was too heavy and her heart hurt too much to truely hurt him. 

"Alec." Her words were almost whispers now, the breath dying in her throat. Hot tears dotted her cheeks, her nails digging into his arms but nothing was drawing him out of his mind tonight, the night terrors, the PTSD drowning him in flashes of memories where he thought he was back in East Asia facing his darkest demons. 

Suddenly, a scream echoed through the bedroom. Poppy Thayer was trying to pull her brother away from Natasha, her tiny body having no affect though. Her hands pounded on his back, her shouting loud and terrified. The pressure around Natasha's neck loosened and she was scurrying away, gasping for air as Alec pushed his sister away from him, her body tumbling backwards with another scream. But thankfully, that was the very thing that had Alec Thayer snapping out of his mind, his eyes glassed over for a second before reality sunk in and he was staring at the mess, the horror that he had created once again. 

"Nat..." Alec was pleading softly, his eyes on Natasha who shook her head, tears demanding to fall but she kept them at bay. His gaze cut towards his younger sister, who was pushed up against the wall cradling her hand near her chest, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Poppy, I am so sorry...just, um..."

Poppy dried her tears but her bottom lip trembled still. "It's okay,"

Alec felt his jaw clench, the muscles in his whole body standing on edge. It was not okay. He saw the terror, the fear in his sister's dark eyes. He had never wanted her to fear him, not once. He had tried his best to protect her, and Natasha, but what if they needed protection from him? 

Natasha was slipping off the bed without a word, without a look over at Alec, fearing he would see the worry in her eyes. She knew he hated them worrying, hated being pitied for what had happened to him. So, she didn't look across at him while she helped Poppy up, brushing away the young girl's hair from her eyes. They left the room together, Natasha taking his sister to the bathroom where she checked out her wrist, which wasn't injured thankfully. "That was brave, Poppy." 

Poppy let her shoulders rise and fall, her heart too full of emotion tonight. Her gaze rested on the redness painted on Natasha's pale skin. She almost reached across to touch the place where her brother had almost strangled her to death. "Is he going to be okay?" The young girl asked, tears thick in her voice. 

"He's a soldier," Natasha started. 

That was not an excuse, not tonight for Poppy Thayer. "That's bullshit, and you know it, Nat. He's not only a soldier, he's my brother...and he's broken. You both won't tell me what happened on that mission and frankly, I don't want to know but he has to find peace. How do we do that for him? How can we get him back?"

Natasha watched the girl she had come to love in many ways, her mind straining for an answer but sadly, she did not have any. Poppy was asking a question she had never found the answer to, because the spy had never found peace either. Slowly, the redhead let her fingertips brush away the girl's warm and fresh tears. "We don't." She whispered, "We stand by his side. We wait out the darkness because we love him."

"What if he can't get out of the darkness?" Poppy questioned, fear striking in her heart. "What if he does something stupid? What if he pushes us away?" 

That was one thing Natasha had been thinking about for days. She had seen men crumble, women run without looking back because some pains were too demanding, too harsh to live with. She knew there was a possibility that Alec would try and push them both away, in some sense he could protect them that way, she just hoped he wouldn't. "I don't know," She admitted quietly, her eyes shifted to watch herself in the mirror. She saw the red marks on her neck, her heart sinking slightly. "I don't know what he's thinking, Poppy. That's the scary part."

Poppy nodded slowly, her bottom lip trembling again. Natasha might not have known what her brother was thinking, but she did and she knew deep down, he would protect them in the only way he knew how to. She hated that about him, but also admired it. She knew Alec Thayer would try his best to push them away, but she wouldn't let him, not again. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

okay, so I planned the remaining chapters for part two and well, it's gonna' hurt me which most likely means it's going to hurt you, so welp but that's how it goes, I suppose. I am a little glad to write heartache because it's going to challenge me (yes, a challenge to make y'all weep) but yeah, I'm on a roll with planning yay! please leave your thoughts.

- tinkertaydust x