Fake It 'Till It's Real

kill me now please...

I stood there in front of the huge class just wanting to scurry to the safety of being alone so I can cry. I want to curl up and hide. I do not want to be in front of this class.

"Hello," I squeak wanting to disappear, "my name is Lillie Kezar." I notice that the boy standing in front of the class is still staring at me. Can I just die now?

"Well Miss Kezar, you may sit right there." The teacher says pointing to a chair in the front. Great. I smile and walk to the desk, I notice the one to the left, since I was in the corner closest to the door, is empty. Maybe they're not here today. I look to the front and notice the boy is still staring at me. Oh no, what if he can tell that I was crying this morning?

"Would you like to finish Mr. Jay?" The teacher asks the boy.

"Her." He says keeping his eyes on me, I squirm a little. Why is he looking at me?

"Excuse me?" She snaps at the boy.

"Her. In the end, can we save her? That was the end of my speech." The boy says.

"Well, that was a wonderful speech. Would you like to tell us the background to it?" The teacher asks, her name was Ms. Meslal, right?

"I saw a girl awhile back, she was alone and crying. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong but when I saw her again, she was with some people and nobody was able to tell she had cried. I also saw a boy, there were scars up and down his arms, but he seemed happy. I just want to put out there that there are people struggling with no one to help them." The boy, Jay, I think, says still starring at me.

"Ok, well you may sit down Jasper." The teacher says, wait is his name Jasper or Jay? He starts walking towards me and sits in the empty seat. "Who's next?" Ms. Meslal asks the class.

"Psst, hey, my names Jasper Jay." I hear the boy beside me. I turn and nod in acknowledgment.

"Jasper. Leave the girl alone." A boy behind me says.

"I'm sorry, would you like to tell me what's so important?" The teacher asks sarcastically. I stare blankly at the door ready to leave.

"Jasper here was trying to hit on the new girl." The boy behind me states with a humor filled voice. That's actually funny. Who would like an ugly girl like me? I'm just a waste of space.

"I'm sorry, Lillie, would you like to sit somewhere else?" Ms. Meslal asks remorsefully. I shake my head. "You know, it would be easier if you would speak." I shrug my shoulders and pull out a paper. "Are you going to write what you want to say?" She asks with disgust.

"I'm going to draw." I say sick of being here already. I want to cry. I want to cut.

"Well, be ready tomorrow because you will have to start doing work in here." I shrug her off and she just turns her attention to the class.

The rest of the day goes by like shit and finally I'm able to go home. Yay! Back with the asshole known as my stepfather. As I walk to my bus I hear someone call my name. I turn around and see the boy that was sitting behind me in the first class. I wait for him to catch up.

"Hey, sorry, I never introduced myself. My name's Joe."

"You already know my name."

"Yeah, you're a beautiful girl. It would be hard to forget." I giggle at his comment as we walk. "What!? You are!"

"I'm not." I say ready to cry, all the memories of how messed up I am coming up. No one can ever love or like someone as broken as me. "I'm more messed up than you can imagine. I'm not beautiful. I'm the complete opposite." I say as I locate my bus.

"But you are beautiful. You shouldn't let anyone ever tell you different." I turn and look at the brown haired boy, he was perfectly built with deep brown eyes to go with his hair.

"I don't need anyone to tell me the truth. I know it." And with that said I turn around and get onto my bus. I pull my hoodie over my ugly brown hair and begin to cry. I'm ugly. I'm shattered. I can't be fixed.

As I take the short walk home from the bus stop, I purposely go slow. I don't want to go home. I near my house when I notice that there's a vehicle more than that was promised me this morning. He's home. I walk up the driveway, regreting my life. Maybe I can say that I need to unpack? I fish my key out of my pocket and unlock the door.

"I'm home!" I yell once I get into the house, I lock the door behind me and head to my room. He walks out of his room.

"Hey sweetie." He says pulling me into a hug. "How was school?"

"Good. I think I'm just going to finish unpacking and organizing my room."

"You don't want to do anything else before that?"

"Like what?" I play dumb. I know what he wants.

"You know what." He says stepping closer to me if possible. I try to step back but he wraps his arms around me.

~~~

I laid on my bed. I stopped crying a few minutes ago although a loose tear happened escaped my eyes every now and then. I didn't get up. I didn't organize my room. I didn't finish unpacking. I did not do anything other than lay on my bed and cry for the rest of the night. At some point between crying and staring at nothing I fell asleep with only one thought on my mind.

Kill me now please...