The accidental groom

Chapter 11 Guilty Conscience

Chapter 11
Guilty Conscience

He would have to hurt her very badly to produce such damage .

An uneasy sensation gripped Alexander's belly as he continued to stare down at the evidence of his brutality .His own words came back to him . You will thank me in the morning .

She must hate him this morning .Alexander closed his eyes for a moment desperately trying to remember exactly what he had done .No incriminating scene appeared in his mind yet he could not deny the evidence before him . He opened his eyes .

"Elizabeth ?" he spoke tentatively .

Lizzie jumped as if she had been struck with a whip . She turned around to face him with an expression that made Alexander grit his teeth

"Good ..... Good morning ,my lord " Her eyes were very wide and full of feminine uneasiness .

"I have a feeling that this morning could have been a great deal better than it is .And I am to blame ." He sat up and reached for his dressing gown . At the same time he tried to think on how to handle this current situation. She would hardly be in a mood to listen to words of reassurances .Oh God , he wished his head did not ache this much .

"I believe your valet is ready with your shaving things ."

He ignored that . "Are you all right ?" he asked in a low tone . He started to walk towards her and stopped when she immediately stepped back into her wardrobe and she could not retreat any further .

"I am fine , my lord "

Alexander sucked in his breath ."Oh Lizzie ,what have I done to you ? Was I really such a monster last night?"

"Your shaving water is getting cold ,my lord "

"To hell with the water , I am worried about you "

"I told you I am fine sir , Please I must dress ."

He groaned and went towards her ,ignoring the way she tried to edge out of his reach . He caught her gently by the shoulders and looked down into her worried eyes . "We must talk ."

"Are you satisfied ,my lord ? I had hoped you would be ."

"Good God ," he breathed , "I can just imagine how desperately you must hope that I am satisfied . I am certain you don't want to face another night like last night."

"No ,my lord , I would never even want to dream of such a night again " she said in a small voice

Guilt racked through him . He pulled her close and stroked her hair soothingly .

"Would it help if I assured you that the next time will not be such a harsh experience "

"Your word , my lord " reminding him of how she had begged him to keep his word on their agreement last night . "I would not like to think of a next time, sir "

He exhaled slowly . "I can understand that " . He felt her try to free herself , but he could not let her go just yet .He had to find a way to reassure her that he was not a monster as she had evidently found last night ."I am sorry little one , I don't know what came over me last night . I know you will find it hard to comprehend but I cannot recall what happened last night , but I never intended to hurt you ."

She pushed tentatively at his shoulders "I would rather not discuss last night "

"We must or else you will make the matter out even worse than it already is ,look at me Lizzie "

Her head came up slowly . She slid a quick searching glance at him and then hastily looked away . "What do you want me to do , my lord "

His hands tightened around her . "I would like you to forgive me ."

She bit her lip "Is your pride satisfied , my lord ?"

"Hang my pride . I am trying to apologize to you and to let you know that it will never be so ..... Uncomfortable to you ." Hell uncomfortable was such a bland term for what she must have gone through . " I mean it is supposed to be a pleasurable thing ...... I ...... I don't know how it happened . Hell Damn it , I don't know what happened . I must have lost all reason ". He was blabbering now

"Please my lord , this is all so embarrassing . Need we discuss it . "

"You must see we cannot leave it like this , "

There was a distinct pause , before she asked him cautiously , "Why not ?"

"Sweetheart , be reasonable , we are married . We will be making love frequently . I don't want you to fear the experience ".

"I do wish you would not call it lovemaking , when there is no love between us , in fact there is not even any respect for each other ".

Alexander closed his eyes and summoned all his patience the very least he owed his bride was patience . It was unfortunately not one of his strong points ."Lizzie do you hate me ?"

"No my lord . "She said in a small voice .

Well at least that is a start ."Tell me what happened last night . I cannot recall anything . "

"I really cannot talk about it . "

"No I don't suppose you can " . He raked his hand through his hair . How can he expect her to give him a detailed description of his actions ?

He did not want to listen to the chilling tale himself . But at the same time he desperately needed to know what he had done to her . He had to know what a devil he had been .

He was already starting to torture himself with the vivid images .

"My lord ?"

"I know it is no excuse but must have had too much to drink and I am extremely sorry for my actions last night . Can you please forgive me .Next time things will be quite different . "

Lizzie cleared her throat "As the matter of next time ----

"I give you my word , I will not rush things up , but you must realize that eventually you will have to make love again . You should think of it like falling from a horse . If you don't remount you will never ride again . "

"I am not certain that would be such a terrible fate . "She muttered

"Lizzie "

"There is the small matter of your heir . Forgive me , it just slipped out of my mind ".

Self loathing ripped through his gut . "I was not thinking of the heir , I was thinking of you . " He ground out .

"Our agreement was for three months ,"she reminded him quietly . " Do you think we could return to that understanding ?"

Alexander violently cursed under his breath . "I don't think it would be a good idea . Your natural uneasiness would grow to unnatural proportions ,if you had three whole months to dwell on what happened last night . The worst is over now . There is no need to retreat behind that agreement now ."

"I suppose not , considering I do not have any means to enforce it . I would have to take your word on it . "

Another wave of guilt rolled over him , drowning him for an instant . But he knew that there was only one honorable thing to do. "Very well Lizzie ,my judgment tells me that I am making a big mistake, but I cannot deny your right to insist upon it after what happened last night . Something is very wrong here ."

He shook his head again trying to will forth the memories of last night . He got only a blank wall .Was he losing his mind ?

He longed to reach out and hold his wife close , but he dare not touch her . "Please excuse me "

He let himself out of her bedchamber felling he could hardly sink any lower in her eyes than he already had in his own .