Here l am once again. Alone and untouched. Am sick of going around in circles ,saying the same thing over and over again. Why do you have to say things over and over again? Because people aren't listening and you are trying to get them to believe your words for once. Just to stop and give you even a millisecond of their life. Do they?
They don't.
To me. They don't.
Do they? To you? Hopefully not. I want to be alone. Don't surfer my lectures even if you don't hear them. Please don't. Not anymore.
"I like your lectures, Jessica. Your words, they're beautiful. Do you know what else l think is beautiful?" Alex would ask. But not any more. He got himself a new voice. A new listener. Do you want new friends?
I don't. I don't have a reason to. Do you?
"What is beautiful Alex?" I'd wonder.
"You. You are beautiful." I remember -l almost cried. Would you? I did. But not any more. Am not his beautiful anymore. He got himself someone beautiful to look at. Do you know who? I do.
Rebecca.
Are you a Rebecca? Yes. No. I wouldn't know. I'm not you. I am talking about Rebecca. Rebecca. The one l know. The one who took my Alex. My Alexander.
His not mine. Not anymore.
Would you Rebecca? Would you take my Alexander like the Rebecca l know? Yes. No. Maybe. I wouldn't know. Am not you.
But hopefully not. Please don't, l beg. Am tired. Aren't you Rebecca? Please be so that l can have my Alexander back. His not yours to keep. Give him back. He's not yours Rebecca.
"Jessica Evelyn do you want to be girlfriend? My sweetheart? My darling? Do you want to be mine Jessica?" There. That day as l stood in front of him ,l could only stare. My body stilled. My heart raced like it was being chased but there wasn't a trigger being pulled. Steady? Far from it.
I remembered. Would you remember Alex? I wouldn't know. I don't know. You are not here anymore -you are supposed to be here. You asked me to be yours , remember? I didn't. I wished you didn't because you are not here. If you were, l would thank my lucky stars for that day.
"I will be yours Alexander. Yes yes yes and a million more years yes."
I pity myself. Looking back at that day l pity myself. I do. I must have been sick and l mustn't have known what was going on. But on the other hand l don't. But you know what?
"Life is a fucking bitch stabber at one point."
Got you there didn't l? Swearing like that. That wasn't me. That was Rebecca. She told me on the exact day when Alex made her his. Kill me.
"I am alive aren't l? Life didn't stab me did it? It just simply turned me upside down." I had wanted to say to Rebecca.
But l don't know anymore. Am l alive right now? Maybe. You wouldn't know. You are not me. Am l supposed to know? Yes. But l don't. Not anymore. I don't even know why am breathing right now. Do you? I do.
I was given a life that l am supposed to figure out and fix. What's your purpose? -yes you. I would like to know. Isn't it wonderful that someone is interested in you. I would be flattered. Would you. I hope so. Please be. You know why? I do.
You are beautiful. Unique. Special. Talented. -yes you.
Am l? Yes. Everyone is.
But. Funny isn't it? How every situation seems to have a but or an otherwise or a maybe or a probably? Realistic. That's what.
I am not perfect. Are you? I didn't answer for you because you know who you are. Are you perfect? Realistic.
Alexandre. Ah! How did l go off topic like that? Life. We were busy talking about life.
Rebecca and Alexander? I finally managed to forget about them. But not for long. They are back in the spotlight.
Do you want to be forgotten by someone you don't want them to forget about you? No.
I wouldn't.
But Alexandre is. My Alexander already forgot me. Right now as we speak his probably cuddled up against Rebecca and whispering sweet nothings to themselves.
I hope not.
That's us. Me and Alexander. I remember. After our first date, after every date we would cuddle like that whispering sweet nothings to each other when the stars would set.
Now. Right now. They are cuddled up together. They shouldn't . Me and Alexander should.
How do l know that they are cuddling right now?
It's 8:00 ,evening. We would be back by this time. But it's not a 'we' anymore. Them.
Our routine has become theirs. Hopefully he doesn't make our after cuddling routine theirs.
"Please don't Alexander. Not yet."
I whisper out in the air as l stand on my balcony, staring at the blazing stars.
"Why wait Jessica? We didn't wait for anyone did we? You didn't. I didn't. There's nothing stopping me and Rebecca. My Rebecca." His horse voice whispered back.
"Don't. Just don't ,beg. Stay my first-l want to stay your first. We promised no seconds remember?" Please remember.
"I remember, but you are not here to stop me. Nothing stopped me for making you my first. Rebecca is not holding back. Leave us alone Jessica. You don't belong to me anymore. Don't keep begging. I will keep rejecting. Leave."
His faint whisper was gone and l was once again left alone in the the cold.
"But she's not going to be your first, my dear Alexander. I will stay yours because l am not a second girl. You changed , l didn't. I will stay your first. You will always Alexander, be the one l first made love with. Please stay mine. Don't make love to her,like you did to me. Just don't."
I wanted to say but he vanished once again. I looked up at stars and they twinkled back at me and l knew that my Alexander isn't mine anymore. I stepped back into my cozy room,threw my self on my bed effortlessly and l let my eyelids drop as l cuddled with my new cuddles:my fluffy pillows.
"Am not yours anymore Jessica, Rebecca is. Start excepting and stop fighting. Am not your Alexander anymore. Rebecca is ,and l like it that way. Night Jessy."
Black consumed me and l was out light just like the white feature on my balcony curtains.
"Night Alex."
☆★☆★☆★☆★☆
Lucky stars. Their lucky stars. Not yours, not mine. Theirs.
____________________________________
