9/20/2017

Dissociating in Public™

even though youre not here i have to put my phone on silent just in case you yell at me for looking at my phone i dont feel 17 right now like im back in school it doesnt feel real why cant i look people in the eye why cant you just leave me alone why is everything so terrifying and im so scared but im fine bc youre not really here rigt now but why do i hear your voice this place still smells the same i want to puke why am i not high but feel really weird im sorry i cant look anoyone in the eye theres so much noise going on the silence is deafening and the music doesnt help im "freaking myself out" but i swear its not on purpose im hungry but i cant order my food so i wont eat the waters right im front of me but i dont want to taste it i asked to go to the bathroom to cry but i dont feel anything other than numb and emptiness the people around me cant tell what im feeling but i know theyre trying to bc theyre staring i feel big and im exhausted every fight i lose but i dont stop trying but tonight i just want to collapse pls stop talking to me im having bad thoughts right now and theres no focus in my vocabulary dizzy but clear sleepy and wide awake i think i need a shower why are the worst nightmares ones you cant wake up from i havent seen you in months yet i know exactly what you look like in the dark your silhouette taints my brain and my heart is broken ever since i can remember and i cant remember much i had no childhood memories are false none of that even happened stop doing this to yourself its all in your head (so's everything) but they didnt get it no one ever does its really just you against the world especially when youre raised with loneliness and pain everything spinning yet standing too still i need to smoke marijuana bc then i can finally think straight about the scribbles im my stomach i only had 2 cigarettes today and its not enough right now i was as high as i could be yesterday and today im falling from it my mothers voice should bring me soothing but it brings me sorrow im a child with too much going on and not enough happening i try my best and nothing really matters cattle company country restaurant brings me flashbacks from things that DIDNT EVEN HAPPEN its all in my throat and i want to hang upside down to let it all out but when i stand upright it all start to come back dissociation and depression and anxiety and anorexia and bulimia and borderling and ptsd all take turns but right now theyre all coming at once every split second change over and over and over the babies are crying and i wish i could do the same my hands keep typing but its not connected to my body my mind is far far and keeps drifting nothings even happening buT WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I CANT HANDLE IT my tummy feels tight and raw and so sore so sorry im like this im trying i swear im suprised im not sweating but just at the mention of it i just might they all eat and eat and eat and i just cant i cant do anything right or finish anything i start im a disappointment that needs adjusting to real life but i dont believe in it Real is just what you think it is UnReal is the opposite opportunity to fend for yourself in this one body one face one perspective you have for as long as you know crayons on kids menus make me want to scream my eyes wont stop watering but goes away at the feeling of overflowing obsession of negativity is all there is i dont remember what i was about to say people keep coming others keep leaving i dont know how long its been but its been a while to me and a little while to everyone around me they put a hand on my shoulder and even though i saw from the corners of my eye and heard his voice i still jump i flinch and pretend that im not afraid but im petrified my heart could stop beating why is it still imso fucking sick and tired theres no word for the illness just say im okay™ maybe thatll make a name for itself the waitress touched my arm and hands tighten around my neck its funny how you can hate something so much till you love it music still playing brings me back to ¿childhood? "home" i dont understand the things ive grown up to know i like thing i dont understand foreign familiarities from frigid freedom wipe your eyes youre not really crying hurt yourself before they can hurt you thats what i did last time you teared my heart for the last time the first time anyone has ever had my heart voices all around me none of them are his but i FEEL the vibrations it gives me shivers goosebumps on my legs and im pressing them together bc i cant open up to anyone since the person thats gave you life broke and belittle you to oblivion another male voice and touch on my arm makes me shake im shivering i hate them they dont feel what i do and they shouldnt have the blessing and the curse to have the depth of these emotional issues my shorts are too tight uncomfortable in my skin is it mine bc your laid your hands on them like they were yours little kids speak words we havent learned yet we grow up and become the people around us using the ones below you is a game tell them youre okay™ and they believe you bc they cant afford to listen to your crazy bullshit its a problem they didnt ask for like every medicine i force down my throat before i make myself sick i should go breathe outside maybe ill collect my mind again for tonight one more time youll be fine darling you have such a big heart but if you get up you think this is difficult its twice as hard trying to come back sweetie you were doing so well what happened i told you to assume the worst so you wont feel as bad but all you get is bad and all the worst things come freely you wish you were free from this from you from him was it even real im shaking but im not cold im compensating the disorders that i can never fully understand neither can anyone who doesnt have my mind none of this matters none of it is realy its just you against you my last text says about half an hour ago but why do i fEEL like its been half a day ago the smell of meat is nauseating none of my limbs are connected and my mind is far and my heart is trying still dont remember what when where why WHO and fuckinG how are you still in my head you chase everything away and everyone runs away i try to but i dont get far id go to the bathroom but i wouldnt come back personality disorder everything is a disease only few are poisoned you choose not to listen but its SCREAMING AT ME theres nothing to make it go away just quiet it for a little until you need something else to whats help when you dont deserve decide destiny destroy death words with the same letter different ending when your thoughts start you end the middle is war battling all the things you thought you know you thought you knew how to breathe i dont have a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist or psychic physically damaging emotionally straining draining into the void that you never get out alive are you even alive HOW DO I KNOW THAT IM ALIVE ciara is my salvation everything that keeps me grounded her voice her touch her embrace im missing it im missing a part of me and its her im scared im the abuser bc thats what some abused become she told me to picture her here with me but i dont want to be here and i dont want her to get hurt ill take all the hurt for her just dont hurt her and dont hurt youself get high feel happy skinned lesbian weight is circling my thoughts and everyone knows it they join in on the conversation that i thought only i could hear theyre voices are louder than mine and im lethargic so i dont fight back all i ever did was fight back i was terrified of saying no so i said yes and not its what i moan when people i let in fuck me all the things i thought was love isnt and its not my fault but im the end it somehow is its my private headache it all is and now i just want to stand up and see black until all i see is white forever