Operation Beautiful

Haley Special: (Chapter 32 from Haley's perspective)

Haley Special i hold emmaleigh's hand as she learns how to make herself bleed (Haley's perspective)

Chapter 32 of Operation Beautiful from Haley's perspective

They're coming again. I can feel it. Going to the hospital was a bad idea. Three times this week I've woken up screaming and crying. Three times my mom's pounded on my locked door, begging me to let her in. But with her, it only gets worse. Instead of Trina, I dream of cutting and erasing. I'd rather remember Trina.

As the first wave of memories come, I gladly lose myself in it. Trina and I chat about boys and food and homework. I used to have these dreams all the time. But I still know who I am, what is to come. Then the next wave hits: the party, the hospital. No matter how many times I relive it, it's still painful, like tearing open a festering wound again and again.

This time, I vaguely hear the door click open. My mom must've found the key.

"Haley, I know you told me not to come inside, but I can't help it. Are you okay?"

Familiar perfume clogging up everything. And I go to depths I've never had to experience before. The months, years, of misery afterward, the cutting, therapy. I hear someone scream. Is it me or Mom?

"Haley?" The voice is trembling, scared. "I don't care anymore. If you can't handle this yourself, please, don't push. Don't hurt yourself. I'm calling Trevor, okay?"

The words go in one ear and out the other. I continue dreaming, screaming, until I feel someone's arms around me.

"Shhhh...."

When I come to, I'm wrapped in Trevor's embrace, his big brown eyes staring down at me.

"Better?"

The lights in my room are on, my mom is standing nearby. The alarm clock says it's four o'clock.

"Get out," I growl. I haven't slept properly all week. Why? So I would learn to take care of myself. In the end, I still needed Trevor's help. I'm pissed.

Trevor sees my mom out and shuts the door.

"Get out," I growl again.

He moves closer. "No."

"Get out."

"Why?" he asks. I don't answer. "Why do you hate me helping you?"

"Because." I don't want to explain. It's embarrassing to admit how scared I am.

"Because what?" He asks, sitting next to me. I lay my head on his shoulder and swallow, my throat suddenly very dry.

"Because I'm scared."

"Of?"

"Of the fact that I need you more than you need me."

He pulls me into his lap, turning me so I face him. "You don't."

"Don't be stupid," I snap into his chest. I can't raise my head to face him. "Everyone knows it."

"Everyone also knows," he says, leaning close to speak into my ear, "that I'm crazy about you."

The words make me smile for a second before the doubt kicks in. "But how long is that going to last, Trevor?"

He isn't fazed. "Forever."

I'm pleased, but I try not to show it. "Now you're just being sappy. People change. You're more like my therapist than anything else and you'll get tired of it eventually."

"People change, Haley. But the fact that you're the first person I run to when I need help, the fact that I don't have to hide anything from you? That's not going to change. I'm not your therapist, Haley. I'm your boyfriend."

"Then can you start acting like it?" I ask quietly, still not looking at him. "I don't need you following me and worrying about me every second of the day. If I need you, you know I'll call."

"Promise?" he asks. I nod. We're silent for a few minutes, then Trevor yawns. "Okay, I'm beat. Let's go to sleep, 'kay?"

I crawl under the covers and he follows.

"Haley?" he whispers.

"Hm?" I cuddle into him and shut my eyes. No more nightmares for me tonight.

"I'm sorry," he says. "About everything."

"It's okay. I'm honestly not worried about Christa at all. I hate her guts but," I smile a little at the thought of Trevor pushing her away. "you're too awesome."

He lets out the smallest of laughs and then stops. "And Corey..."

"He's my friend. Just like Clarice is yours. We don't hang out outside of school or anything, unless we're all out as a group. There's really nothing to be jealous about."

"I know. I'm...I'm working on it. It's not like I hate him. I'm perfectly fine talking to him. It's when I see you guys together that I feel angry. Not anger directed at anyone in particular. Just...anger."

"You never get annoyed with Spike," I remind him. I don't understand this form of jealousy. Personally, whenever Christa does something stupid, I feel like bashing her head in. Then again, Corey really hasn't done anything stupid.

"Spike isn't your ex-boyfriend."

I can't argue with that.

"How have you been sleeping lately?" he asks, changing the subject.

"It was bad at first, but it's getting better."

"That's good." He yawns again, pulling me closer to him. "Goodnight, Haley."

I wrap arms around him tighter and smile. "Goodnight."