To my love...

5~To Claire

Dear Claire,

It's funny how love works. Its pain and joy all mixed up in a soup. You were the broth and I was the noodles. Weird, huh? Your smile, your eyes, and your hair. All of which mesmerized me. I knew I was in love with you.

Key word: was.

I supposed it was an angel who smiled when he thought that we should be together. So, he had the audacity to make me fall for you. But it took a while. I mean, I officially met you during 8th grade. We were forced to dance with each other in that weird square dancing unit. We shared answers for the math class. You were shy and hard to reach. I didn't care for you at all; instead I had a crush on someone else.

Then AVID came during freshman year. We sat together in AVID class, close to the door. We introduced ourselves fully this time and I finally saw a different side to you. This shell you had, well I managed to chip it away and found a sarcastic, fun loving girl who is very intelligent. We stopped talking when Mrs. Wardlaw started lecturing about AVID. And while this happened, I glanced at you. And I remember your hard-at-work expression. You looked beautiful. And I had a funny feeling in my stomach. I knew what it was. We sat together at lunch when during the lonely lunches. Our conversations about everything in general was lovely, and I loved the way your puffy lips moved with each syllable. We were so close.

Then Marco came. I was jealous of him. You were hanging out with him more. Hell, you even went to that sushi burrito place with him, the same day I wanted to take you there. I hated him even more. Then I met him at tennis practice. He was very cool and a chill guy. My hatred dissipated that moment. We hit balls and laughed when we made mistakes. I destroyed him at tennis. He knew I liked her. He apologized and he even allowed me to try to date you should you two ever "break up," even though you guys weren't officially dating. That night, in the shower, I cried, and cried. Then I thought how you looked happy with him.

Then I heard you rejected him in sophomore year. I felt bad for Marco and joyful that you could be mine again. I tried more aggressive tactics. I even suggested going to see a movie and go to. You said you were busy. Instead, you went to Kobe. He too was a great guy. I knew this time to let you be. You too were happy with him, but you didn't date him. Surprisingly fate complied with dividing us up, giving us completely different classes to never hang out. At lunch, our supposed group was divided into two, guys and gals, with the exception for Kobe. And it was your fault.

You rejected his advances also. It was junior year. But you wasted no time to find someone to date. And to my surprise, it was a girl. It didn't strike me that you were bisexual. I don't remember her name; I think it was Anne or something like that. When I saw her, she struck me as quirky, something to expect from the LGBTQ community. I don't hate them, but I don't express complete support for that community. Blame the Catholic in me. When I saw you two kiss and hold hands and flirt, I grew into depression. I hated you, and reciprocated my pain to the rest of the world. I even considered running away or jumping off the bridge.

I heard you two broke up a month later, but the damage was done. I knew that despite my attempts to get you to love me you would never end up with me. I was in deep sorrow. It even affected my tennis game. How sad. I wanted to do nothing anymore. I wanted to die. Proof in case, I have scars on my upper arm where I scratched myself until I bled. I wanted to endure hell for eternity. You were my purpose for life.

But, I heard God's voice, "Get up. I love you. You have much more in life than just loving a particular girl who won't love you as much as I do. Get up." I asked what was so special for me. He said, "Listen to the upbringing story from your mother. She knows how special you are." So I did. I remember hearing the story of before my birth. Mom, while pregnant with me, was hit by a drunk driver. Doctors said I wouldn't live. It was verified by an x-ray. It showed a picture of a fractured spine and skull. So, Mom prayed, and prayed until He showed up and touched her womb. I was to live. It was then I realized that this depression was nothing. To kill myself is to throw away the Holy Father's plan for me. So I stopped moping around and asked Him for strength. Now, I'm happier, expressing more joy and energy than before I met you. Now, I sing and dance on a daily basis. Now, I have a much bigger purpose for life than only you.

From then on, I forgave you. I still love you, but not romantically. I love you like a sister, a misguided sister, since you became like a bitchy popular. Even when you left all of your former lovers like you did to me for this new guy Jason, who also is bisexual. Even when your actions broke up the now impossibly divided lunch group that we had. Even when you now pretend I don't exist. I still love you, but no longer I hold feelings for you. I'm fine with that single life; in fact I find more peace in a single life than that of a relationship. Does it mean I will single forever? No. But, I sure as hell am going be more cautious when entering in a crush phase.

Claire, if you read this,I hope you find the right person to love romantically. I hope so. And if you want me, I'm sorry, but I can't take you. Forgive me, but I believe we aren't the right people to be together. You're different now; so am I. You're no longer the sarcastic, loyal person I knew. I am no longer the cynical person you hanged out with in freshman year. You hear me? So, good luck to you. While you search for people to love and break hearts, I will love everyone equally and treat them with dignity and respect. And now you're going to Harvard or Yale or some expensive Ivy league school, and I'm going to the cost effective community college. So, goodbye Claire. I love you. And I wish you success.

Your former friend,
Eron Jay Mendoza-Garcia
jynxandchuck03