THE BROWN GIRL RANTS.

Trusting people too easily....

Trust issues.

Okay, so you've spent so much time with this person and you feel something there and suddenly find yourself able to pour out your heart to him/her. And you do. So, obviously you feel this deeper bond. Like, he's moved from acquaintance to friend to super close. Until...you realize finally, that there is no way he had even felt the same about you. Like, he doesn't give a fuck. The sad thing is he isn't mean to you either. He's still all nice. And that's when you feel like an absolute idiot. You realize that you believe that he has been leading you on. When in reality, all he's ever been is a genuinely nice person/friend. It isn't his fault that he doesn't like you as much or that you aren't half as important in his life as he is in yours. You are just an idiot.

And this hasn't just happened once. It's been happening with multiple people.

That's when you've realized one of two things:

a) You are just lame and no one really wants to be friends with you.

b) You trust people way too easily.

As much as I am desperate to believe it's just that I trust people way too easily and am an idiot, I'm starting to believe that it's really the first reason.

I'm just lame. Like, maybe I'm not. I don't know. You know when you realize that you can be this completely different person in certain situations? Well...That's who I am. I am this way more confident person on the internet/ tuition classes. Basically, anywhere that isn't really school.

I have a mild inferiority complex. Like, I almost always believe that people around me are always cooler or that people will judge is I just say one stupid thing wrong. And theirs is just this huge block that prevents me from being who I want to be. I put myself under so much pressure to attempt to maintain a 'cool' façade that I just never let the real me show through.

I don't mean to sound all cliché, but people genuinely think you are cooler when you are just yourself. In certain places like classes, I have this sudden boost of confidence and don't give a fuck what people think about me because I feel like there is kind of nothing to lose. Like, I spend about 6 hours with them a week. But, then I realize that that's where I do end up making more friends that actually matter. So basically, just let lose and be yourself. It's just so liberating and so much better.

But, then again if only things could be that simple, right? I'm still an idiot when I'm at school. I keep giving myself excuses. I'm still sitting here waiting for a 'fresh start.' And I hope when the 'fresh start' does come I don't let myself down. I wish I can just be myself in college. Wow, Idek where this is going.

But, yeah. I should just stop letting people into my life so easily. It always ends badly. I always expect too much, just to get disappointed.

Maybe. That day can come. Maybe I will get to use the 'fresh start' I'm waiting for.

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I'm literally doing nothing with my life right now. Wattpad has sort of become my little happy place. So yeah...

Also, Ugh I am having a huge writer's block with UM. I have the entire story planned out. But, like I'm having a lot of second thought about certain things I have written/ am going to write. And I'm just...I'm so surprised that anyone even wanted to read Understandably Misuderstood. Thank you for all of you who have<3