Rant.

my mental health is deteriorating

Outkast- Ms. Jackson

I am so fucking chronic it makes me laugh, I'm horrible to people and I expect people to treat me like a fucking angel, it's the impact that my dad has on me. He's so fucking horrible to me but I suppose he doesn't know right from wrong as literally he was raised how he raises me so he just thinks that that's normal. However his drinking habits really irritate and worry me as he always lashes out on me and my mum when he's under the influence. I want to tell school about what's happening at home because my grades are starting to drop (7/22) on my last exam, and it's really getting me down, I don't have anyone to talk to about it and it makes me feel really fucking isolated. In a way I feel like I don't have the right to be as sad as I actually am because I haven't actually had a bad life really, yeah my grandma died and that but we weren't really close and yeah, my dad is a nasty piece of work at times but I've learned to get through it, people that I know have literally had traumatic childhoods so I feel like I genuinely need to bottle up all my feelings because I'm going to seem petty if I talk about them to people with bigger problems than mine. I self harmed in years 4,5,6 (ages 9-11) and then carried on in year 7, until in year 8/9 the sadness got too much to handle so I tried to kill myself in May, of 2016, it had such a big impact on my life and made me realise how much my family cared about me, except for my dad. When I attempted suicide all my dad said to me was that he thought it was humorous, and during my recovery he decided to mock me, which led to me having to miss a week of school, living in my aunties house, because I was so afraid of him. However, after the suicide thing my dad began to be nice to me again, I had a councillor named Louise that I would see once or twice every month and I would talk about stuff with her, it's just, I didn't trust her as she worked for the school, and the council, and I didn't know her, so I didn't open up to her as I should've done which led to me being dropped. I had from July-January being counselled and she never even said goodbye to me, I just got a letter saying I was being discharged. Another person in my life to leave me, because I am so unwanted. Now I am just on my own, trying to fend for myself while all my happy thoughts are eaten up by my sad thoughts, and as cringey as it sounds the only things that are currently helping me are, music and my friends, because school are clearly not bothered.