Rant.

my shit love life

Luna- The Smashing Pumpkins

My love life is actually concerning to me. I spend all day thinking and talking about and to boys yet I'm still lonely as fuck. I feel that if I was to have a boy in my life I would feel more happy, and more secure, more wanted, it sounds so fucking stupid but the stigma around having relationships is one of the reasons why I want a relationship so bad, it's so weird, to me, if you don't have a s/o you're considered ugly and gross. However I'm so fucked up that even when I'm in a relationship, I can't function, which is so fucking annoying and is why no boys want me whatsoever (or maybe because I'm ugly as fuck) basically I was in love with this girl called Jasmine for 3 years, she told me she shared mutual feelings and I told her. I decided to be the bigger person and ask her out and she declined me, I was literally so shocked as she would post constantly that she was in love with me, it made me wonder what was actually wrong with me. A few months passed and I noticed she was getting more and more silent, she was never silent so the more and more she would ignore me. When I mean I was in love with her I genuinely mean I was, like I had feelings for her that I had never felt for anyone else, it's so weird, I still fucking love her and think about her, to this day. And it's the reason why I'm so fucked up in relationships, she's been ignoring me and has blocked me ever since, however when I spammed her with messages when my heart broke into one million pieces she said to me that she will always think about me. I'm just so scared of being left again like Jasmine left me, so I instantly get myself attached even when we're not even talking 'romantically' I instantly think we are and when they do things with other girls I get extremely angry and upset, yet I don't realise that they don't actually want me. And even in a relationship I'm annoying as fuck, I'm extremely clingy and I get jealous when they're with other girls, which is what ruined my last relationship, along with me being extremely overprotective and bipolar. The truth is, I don't know if I actually want a boyfriend, as I know they are so much trouble and I don't need the extra stress along with exams, so I could wait until after exams but then I don't want to be lonely Virgin Mary, but anyways no boys actually want me because I'm ugly as fuck and I don't see what I'm stressing about really.