I sat on the cold tiles of the shower floor, water slowly trickling down my skin and the last couple of droplets falling from the shower head and onto my body, even though it had been turned off long ago.
My body felt icy, goosebumps going up along my arms and legs and I shivered occasionally, but I felt too numb on the inside to even move.
My damn mind had gotten to me again, like my thoughts were a dark cloud that somehow managed to escape my head and engulf my whole body until I felt numb.
I sniffled quietly, wiping the tears from my eyes as they just kept coming and coming.
It hurt so much to know that the last time I had spoken to Gerard was when I had told him that I was glad he was my friend and that since then we hadn't seen each other anymore. That had been weeks ago.
And I was so fucking mad at myself for not being mad at Gerard, no not at all.
I felt like it was completely my fault, I didn't exactly know why, but there were many possible reasons.
For one, I was Frank. Annoying fucking Frank Iero who obviously needed Gerard more in his life than the other way around. Secondly, it would be so easy to just replace me with someone better, somebody more fun and thirdly I wouldn't want to be my own friend.
There was lots more I could think of.
Just, I needed Gerard so much in my life.
I couldn't wait any longer for him to come back and make things right, I needed him that very second or closure on the situation. If he didn't want to be friends at all anymore, if he had found a replacement, I would accept that. I just needed to know.
So I stood up, got myself back together, got dressed and left the house.
I was scared as I walked to Gerard's house, scared of the confrontation.
I never stood up to Gerard, I'd just let everything happen and be glad about the times he'd be everything for me. The negativity was something that just dragged the both of us down and I didn't want him to be upset ever and I didn't want any long unnecessary fights between us.
It was okay to me when Gerard let out his anger–his emotions, on me and when he'd be rude to me and ignore me. It was okay because I always knew that everything would be fine in the end again because I loved him dearly my best friend and I thought he loved me too, just that time was different. That time it felt more serious, so serious that I was ready to open my mouth about it.
But everything came different.
As I just was about to pass the playground in our neighborhood that Gerard and I used to hang out on, I heard his voice.
And then I saw it for the first time.
I just stood there, feet stuck to the ground, every fiber of my body seemed frozen.
So far away, I was nothing. I felt like a ghost, I was a ghost.
Unimportant, dead, ignored.
And he- no, they both were so alive, so full of life, so bright and important that it ached in my chest because I was faced with the opposite of myself.
Then it seemed clear to me. Gerard didn't want me in his life, no he wanted everything I was not, everything that I could not give him even if I tried.
Tears started falling.
I just stood there, crying silently and they didn't see me. It was as if their happiness had trapped them in their own special world. A world I wished to be a part of, but knew I could never.
Gerard seemed happier than I had ever seen him, than I had ever made him be. I was nothing, but a failure.
His lips were curled into a smile, head dropped down, hair covering his beautiful eyes and he blushed– he seemed a bit nervous, but overly happy.
He seemed to feel like I felt around him and I didn't realize that I felt that until then. I didn't realize until that very moment, that it was only me showing these kind of emotions.
His fingers touched Gerard's skin and he pushed Gerard's hair out of his pretty face, suddenly I felt a shiver down my spine.
It made me uncomfortable, it felt wrong to me. I would be the one to do that, and I wanted to stay the only one.
He said something I could not comprehend, but it made Gerard smile and giggle, something I never accomplished so easily.
My stomach tied in nots, everything hurt more the longer I watched them.
I wanted to make Gerard smile and giggle, I wanted to be the one to hold him.
There never ever had been anyone else besides me to be so close to Gerard like that and I never had ever imagined it. But being faced with it, made me realize that it was something I did not want. At all.
