i'm scared i'm never going to amount to anything in life. i'm so fearful that i'll end up dead or just nothing. i'm on a slow, but steady, decline towards god knows what. i'm scared that my mind is just so unrepairable, no matter what headshrinker i see, no matter what medication i take, no matter how much i smoke will fix me. but maybe life isn't for me. maybe i'm supposed to be some sad story some kid learns about and fixes their life. maybe i'm supposed to be the poster child for not being a fuck up. i'm scared this is all i'm ever gonna be. i'm starting to think that life just isn't for me. i've lost so much. i've lost the ability to feel okay. and there's nothing fucking poetic about this entry. there's tears streaming down my face, and my chest is aching, and i'm so desperately wanting to open my wrists again because it's been so fucking long since the last time. and it's getting harder to breathe. and i've tried everything i could to possibly fix myself. i even laid myself open so everyone can poke and prod at my every thought but they all just walk away. and none of this even makes sense but for the love of god, i just want to stop hurting. i want to live past 18. i want to go to college. i want to make everyone so fucking proud that they're face gets numb because they're smiling from ear to ear because of me. i want to get a job that i love and immerse myself in my work. i want to fall in love with someone without getting scared, and i want to kiss them without the fear of it being the last one. i want to have a family and kids because i want to give them a better life then i had. i want to love waking up in the mornings and make breakfast and take hot showers. i want to love the sunrise again.
but i'm never going to get what i want.
