Being Human

The Fall

SUFFOCATING
     An action that has become quite normal in my everyday life. Such a normalcy that my body has seem to adapt to its regular visits, almost like it craves the breathlessness; it feeds off of the heavy weight on my chest and the slow constant burning. It's thrilled, yet terrified by the feeling of slowly dying on the inside. A constant that feels like it will continue on in a never ending cycle of pain; Slow, burning, constant pain. My body slowly succumbs to its will. Unable to hold out against the heavy weight, it bends ...slowly...slowly bending until my head is touching the floor and it feels like at any second my torso will give out. I try to fight against the burden placed on my body.I can feel the trembles and tremors that quake through my body,my muscles clench and cramp; pain sears through them seemingly unbearable. Harsh and uneven breaths escape through my mouth. I can feel the blood boiling through my body, my heartbeat thumps in my chest traveling up through my neck and into my head; throbbing in the veins that lie in my temple. I begin to feel light headed, but yet I still try to hold on. "Just a little bit more" I say "and you'll be right back up on your feet again." With new found hope, I let out a curse and heave with all my might. An animalistic roar leaves my lips as I force myself against the weight. Push a little bit more, and the pain will end and everything will be back to way it was before. Just when it seems that the end is near, just when hope is at its peak and the little tingles of joy settle in, just when I had began to bask in the aura of relief in the fact that I was strong and I wasn't going to be broken; I was blindsided by something so infinitesimally small, yet it had the capability to cause a tidal wave of destruction. A small crack in my frame, so innocent until joined together with all the other cracks and broken pieces.......It's funny how the thing that ultimately broke me came from someone I trusted so close to my heart.
BROKEN
     Shattered and destroyed.....I lay on the floor. Completely suffocating under its hold. The pain reinforced with a vengeance like I've never seen. Clenched within its grasp, I am in its utter control. Reduced to a disgustingly weak mess just like how it likes me. Pathetic! An inhuman sob escapes my throat. Yet nothing will change; all of  my will to fight has evaporated into the air around me;I have succumbed to my pain. Pain so strong and relentless it floods through my whole system. I tried to swim against it, to stay afloat, but the current! It's too strong, it pushed me under drowning me within it. Down...down...down I sink further until I have lost all sense of direction. Pain, like I've never felt before, you consumed my mind and filled me with your vile thoughts. Pain, your white hot flames that licked through every cavern and every crevice of my body, torturing my mind and my soul. Pain, you left nothing behind in your scorched path; left nothing of myself to give. You filled me and emptied me; leaving me with nothing except the sensation of burning alive as my only company. Further I sink into its quick sand like hold; I beg, I cry, I plead for release from its hold. A need so strong I can feel its hum from the very crown of my head to the very tip of my toes. It screams through me begging for release from this pain; even if for just a moment. I can feel the need scratching at my skin, tearing at my insides trying to crawl its way out; begging, pleading for relief, a distraction from this pain. I needed to feel something, anything but this pain. Pain, you whispered to me a distraction found hidden within a blade. Glinting in the light, its shiny sleek surface calls out to me promising me the distraction I seek, the relief I needed. Hesitantly, I reached out ,but only to quickly retract at its alien touch. Ashamed at the path I had fallen into, I got rid of the vile idea. At least I had assumed I did until pain, never truly gone, had blossom a new making itself known again. I found myself reaching until I had the blade within my grasp. I held the blade up to my skin; wondering if I was really capable of something so low as this, but as pain simmered right beneath the surface and that constant feeling of suffocating overwhelmed me; I knew that I was capable of this and so much more. I had been driven over a cliff and i was free falling into a dark world of the unimaginable.
SLASH
     A sharp dragging pain and then stinging. I watch as the blade scraped away the first layer of skin leaving a pale pink layer. I watched as the pale pink slowly darkened turning redder until crimson fluid beaded and collected on the wound before spilling out; streaming down my wrist onto the tiled floor. I stared at it.... my body slowly going numb. The immense pain from before fades into the background like white noise; all of my attention focused on that one single slash across my wrist and the hot stinging sensation coming from within it. Within that one slash, held pain and anguish that had been built up behind a wall; I released all that emotion on to the tiny patch of soft skin hidden at the base of a small wrist, and with that I was finally able to find relief.
That one time was the first of many sessions. More and more of those pale white lines began to litter my skin as the amount needed to reach my necessary fix increased rapidly. My body had grown accustomed to its new routine. It welcomed the sharp pain and dull stinging sensation with open arms, grateful for the distraction it provided from the outside world. I had become addicted, but I had to slow down; people were becoming suspicious. They couldn't know that something was wrong beneath the surface, they couldn't know how weak I had become, they couldn't know how far I had fallen, they couldn't know how much their words had a hold of me, they couldn't know that I wasn't okay, they couldn't know that I was broken...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................they couldn't know. 
So I smiled like everything was alright and I radiated happiness like a shield. I hid my little white lines and indulged sparingly because I had to protect it, my dirty little secret, for it was the only thing keeping me sane.
UGLY
     Was the emotion that filled his eyes as he observed the white lines that scattered across my wrist. His face contorted into one of sadness and pity as he looked between my wrist and my face. Questioning why someone would do this to themselves; a question that I had no answer to. Why? How did this happen? I hid it so well, at least I thought I did. I never wanted to see that look on someone's face. The look of someone staring back, like something was wrong with me, like I was broken. The look I give myself in the mirror every time I come down from my high. I didn't need someone to tell me something was wrong with me, I knew something was wrong with me. I don't need anyone's pity, I had enough of that coming from myself. I didn't need anyone telling me how disgusting what I was doing to myself was; I knew that myself. This ugly habit of mines; no one can tell me anything about it that I didn't know myself. A person addicted cigarettes doesn't continue to smoke because he doesn't know the consequences; he lights up in spite of the consequences because he relies on that little piece of cancer stick to give him the release he needs. That is where I found myself, stuck damaging myself for the release it provided me.
My ugly little secret; I thought I got rid of you after that day. I tried to heal and move on but you where never truly gone. You were just hidden, waiting for me to relapse back into my dark ways. You struck in the moment of weakness and coiled yourself around me. Holding me tightly within your grasp than ever before. So there I found myself again, with my trusty blade in hand, watching my life fluid poor down my leg onto the cold tiled floor. Fearing seeing that look reflecting in anyone eyes, I had to change tactics. Finding different patches of skin to relinquish my stress on. My body became a canvas where life places it's harsh work of art for my eyes to admire. Just you and I my ugly secret.