Becoming and being a Buddhist has definitely been a journey. I had to face people disbelieving me when I tried to approach them about it, putting it down to it's probably just a phase Paula, but I never questioned their sexuality for instance, and both of those things are a part of your identity and make you who you are, so it was quite frustrating I must admit. Especially given where I live, there are no temples I could go to and speak to somebody directly about it.
I so badly wanted somebody to relate to, and I learnt so many new exciting things about myself and buddhist teachings, I was dying to explore it further, and I got to a point where some people would make it out to be my obsession rather than a desire to better myself through it. I went to a few meditation classes and bought a few books, but it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, "enlightenment" I suppose, but I knew if I found it I would know.
I carried on with life, facing everyday difficulties as a teenager, maybe more so than other teenagers, but we will leave my parents out of it. I struggled with my OCD, and this part of me always held me back from enjoying life fully. I was always surrounded with friends, and found it easy to mingle. I was never alone, but I always felt lonely.
There was something missing. I considered myself to be a jigsaw puzzle and there were pieces of me which I was so sure been gone missing in action, never to be returned. Up until one day, somebody really hurt my feelings, and something in me just let go, I was at peace. I did not care for revenge, nor justice, I just wanted to be free of the drama and ruminations.
I finally understood what I was chasing. It was that state of mind, the openness to understanding other people but not taking it personally when something does go south. It was the staring through the window, and enjoying the view, and feeling the sun on your skin. It's hard to explain as I bet every single person has a different definition to what enlightenment feels to them, however I'm sure they can agree it's a bit like going to sleep without having to set an alarm clock for the next day, or having candy floss as a child. It's a feeling of happiness and relaxation.
You will not always be relaxed, it is impossible to never be stressed, because of work or road rage. That is absolutely fine, as long as you are in touch with yourself you will overcome the difficulties. To me Buddhism is knowing myself and trying to be the best person I can.
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Thank you for taking your time to read this :)
