A Fine Christmas Day

5. A bittersweet Goodbye - Part 1

I was wearing a black dress. A long sleeved, floor length lacy black dress. My hair was kept open and curled at the very end. My makeup was minimal. A bit of mascara and a light bubblegum pink lipstick. My face was so pale that my regular foundation wasn't okay enough. So,  Abi and Gabi didn't bother putting it on.

The girls were getting ready in my room. In any other occasion, there would be so much laughter and bickering. Today was different though. There were no words spoken. Everyone was walking around eggshell, treating me like a doll who might break down if any wrong words were spoken or wrong things were done. Which, I don't know, how true is.

I haven't eaten in days. Not even drank anything. I'm surprised I'm still alive. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm dead. Or maybe I'm dreaming, no having a nightmare. If so, I would do anything to end this nightmare.

But, I'm not. I'm not having a nightmare. I'm not sleeping. I'm not dead. I'm very much alive and breathing while my dad isn't. Everything is real but he. He is gone. Lord only knows where.

I'm still in denial. I'm still in shock. Maybe if I see his body today, I'll step out of the shock. There's a lot of maybe's.

I believe it's New Year's Eve. The day everyone says bye to the ongoing year and my dad. They all want to start afresh. I guess that's why they held the funeral today.

We are having a small funeral for him. The big one was already done in their camp, which we couldn't attend. And thus, this. Then, he will be buried in Greyhood's cemetery.

'Ladies, it's time to go.' Mum said in a soft voice. I still haven't talked to her or anyone. I should have talked to her, I should have been there for her. We should go through this together but I can't.I still can't believe it.

'Olivia.' She is the only one in the room now. I didn't notice the girls leaving. 'Girl, I know this is hard for you. But, you have to do this. Be your daddy's strong girl and go out there. Your dad deserves a last goodbye.'

'What if I don't wanna say?' My voice came off as a mere whisper, she heard it nonetheless.

At first, she was shocked hearing me talk. That was the first time in days. She recovered herself quickly and answered coming close to me and taking my hands into her's. 'Darling, you have to. As much as you don't want to, you have to accept it. He died doing what he loves. He died for his country. He died, happy and a painless death. They said, his life was taken instantly meaning it didn't hurt. You should be thankful for that. We should be thankful for that.'

She couldn't finish her sentence. 'We should be thankful because he's dead?' I mocked a smile and shouted.

'No. Because he died a painless death. And he died, happy.'

'How would you know that? Did he write a letter to you before dying or coming into one of your dreams?' We were shouting at the top of our lungs now. I could see my friends and grandparents standing at the door now. No one dared to speak. They never witnessed a scene like this. Jesus, I never did. I never once in my life raised my voice at my parents and I feel so guilty but I was too angry to think straight now.

'He was coming home, Olivia. To you. After winning the battle. Of course, he was happy. What happened was unexpected, he or the other's didn't see it coming. Jesus, no one did.' She was crying now.

'He was deceived.' I spat out and left the room. Left her crying on the floor. So cruel of me, I know. But, I was angry. My friends came running to me while my grandparents were confronting my mum.

I took a chair out and sat down. I could sense how all of them wanted to say something but were too afraid to utter anything.

'You guys, you can talk if you want. I'm not a doll, I won't break.' I told them bitterly.

Rex sat down and held my hand while Nolan spoke out. 'Liv, it's okay to break down, you need to break down now to build yourself up again later.'

'He's right, Liv.' Rex agreed with him while the girls nodded.

'How can I let myself break down when I can't even accept it and how can I build myself up again when he won't be here.' I looked straight into his eyes.

He said nothing back, just hugged me. I didn't hug back. That'd be another first.

'It's time, let's go.' Grandpa said while stepping downstairs with mum. I couldn't even look at her.

Without saying anything else, we got into our car to get to the Church which was on the other side of the town along with our school and the mall. Mum and my grandparents were in mum's car while my friends and I got into the twin's car and started driving.