A Fine Christmas Day

5. A bittersweet Goodbye - Part 2

The ride was silent. Drop dead silent. It was just a 5 minutes drive. So, there wasn't much time to talk about anything anyway.

The church was still the same. Not much changed since the last time I came here. I could still see some banners and crafts lying around on the ground and the trees. But, not much. Somebody must have cleaned it up.

It was supposed to be all decked up for New Year. We were supposed to be getting ready for the New Year's Eve Party tonight not attending a funeral. Guess, Mother Nature has a way of turning everything upside down in a moment.

Who will be walking me down the aisle on my wedding day? I felt a sharp pain in my chest thinking about it. I should be thinking about it now. But, my mind keeps wandering to nothing and everything at the same time.

I looked around and saw many people from the town arriving. Dad's casket was already inside so I'm taking all my time to go inside. I'm still not ready to accept it. The wind wasn't harsh today. It was soft, cold but not painful.

Everyone started making their way inside so I did too. I was supposed to be sitting in the front row but I avoided it and sat in the very last. My best friends accompanied me there. And the ceremony started. The Priest was talking but I didn't pay attention. My attention was at the closed casket. His whole body is burnt I heard. Am I going to recognise him?

I could hear the faint voice of my grandpa saying words about dad.Few other people went, one of them was Uncle Anderson. And last, second last was my mum. I couldn't hear what they were saying properly because I wasn't paying attention. I was the last one to speak so when they called me to go.Marie shook my shoulder and I snapped out of my thoughts and stood up.

I wasn't ready to go.I wasn't ready to accept it all. To say thanks and grief. I just wasn't ready.But, I had to. For my dad. So I walked. I walked down the aisle. Alone. But imagining my dad's arm wrapped around mine. I imagined looking at my dad and smile. A genuine smile and I imagined him smiling back. That's how I gained courage. 

I stopped in front of the casket. They opened it for me to see. It was scary at first. His whole body was burnt. He really looked like a corpse. My breathing got heavy and fast. But, I controlled it. I closed my eyes and opened it again taking a deep breath. And I looked at my dad again. There was he. Burnt but handsome as ever. I could see the faint traces of his face. He was smiling, at least I'd like to think so. He was in his uniform. He looks so handsome like he always does in his uniform. He was happy. He died, happy. I could see the two ring on his finger. His wedding ring and the one I gave him. He is taking a part of mum and me. A big part. But, he left his parts here too. I kneeled down and kissed his forehead. 'I love you, DaddyBear.' I said. And Imagined him replying me back. I smiled and got up. 

They were about to close the casket. But I stopped them. 'Keep it open. He looks beautiful, not scary. He looks the same as he always does. Ever so handsome in his uniform. Not burnt. Not dead. Not a corpse. He is a man. A beautiful man. I know we're not supposed to be calling a man beautiful. But, he is. There's a beautiful aura around him. He is beautiful inside out. Yes, keep it open. Let everyone see how beautiful and handsome he is. Let them see, read his story. How he died, fighting. How he devoured himself for his county. From his first breath to his last, he was dedicated, strong and wonderful. He was a loyal, loving father, a husband, a son, a friend and an army. He was, He is beautiful. And everyone should see him today and remember him. Today and Tomorrow and Forever.'

I don't know how I got the courage to talk and let alone talk so beautifully. I was so proud of myself and I'm sure my dad is too. Because I imagined him giving me a smile and thumbs up from across the room. So, I smiled and started again. 'Max James Mathews, we love you. And we adore you, alive or dead. You are forever. You are, you were and you will always be in our hearts. We will hold you and treasure you for the rest of our lives. And we will remember you and tell your stories, the brave and courageous and encouraging ones, to our children and grandchildren. We will pass you to generation to generation. Because we are worth remembering forever and always and more. And so, You will always be remembered with a smile. And you will forever be loved and cherished. We love you. Rest in peace, daddy.' 

I left myself and everyone else in the room in awe. I don't know if it's allowed in Church but my Grandpa stood up and said out. 'I'm so proud of you, dear'. And he clapped and so everyone started clapping. Even the Priest. I saw everyone smiling and crying at the same time. The claps died down at the Priest's voice. It was time to bury my dad. I saw my mum coming forward so I ran into her arms, held her and apologised repeatedly for my behaviour earlier. She said it's okay and that she loves me. And she is proud of me and dad will be too. I said I know. Because I imagined my dad standing there, smiling at me and I knew he was proud. And I knew I will be okay. We will be okay.

It wasn't until we buried him, a tear fell down my eyes. The casket went down, with a sad smile on my face, I placed some soil into his casket and so did my other family members. And that's when I said a goodbye. A bittersweet goodbye to my military dad who died fighting and happy and loving us. I said goodbye to my hero, with a tear rolling down my eye and a sad smile forming on my lips.

I looked up and imagined my dad standing there with a smile. I saw him nodding at me. He looked happy and at peace. And then, he disappeared. I looked around but he was gone. And I finally accepted it. I will be okay soon because he is too. And he will be resting in peace. Here, in Greyhood. In his hometown. Forever.