It's not your fault

Reasons (you can skip if you arent curious)

I have no specific reason; still no one would understand why.  I was a coward.

Weak, lonely, unsocial.

Each day of living, it just got more painful.

I can remember like it was yesterday, my mind would call for help, but my lips were sealed. My heart would have open arms to anyone that held me, but shattered when left. My shattered , yet broken heart was left on the floor crackling. People stepping over the broken pieces. Oh the pain of how I watched it crumble into dust.

Everyday, I kept searching for a reason to stay alive, or even just a slight purpose that I mean something to the world. That I might maybe do a good thing to someone.

Yet, I didn't. I would NEVER. Let them go through that pain of me gone. Because when I was living I KNEW, to not get close. To not let anyone get hurt from my real purpose.

I grew apart from everyone I loved, although family was the only one that I struggled to run away from. I faked it all.

My happiness for theirs.
It's not your fault

So I gave up on searching for a reason to stay. But I remember the endless times where I stared off at the ceiling, glancing at my desk. Painkillers (Pain relievers). The first thought in my head was to just end it. Though, the last was always something so little. Little as a ,"I have to let this flower grow then I'm going to do it!" Kind of motivation. At that time it's what kept me sane; maybe even a little easier to fake being happy.

Really, that "motivation" you don't understand how much that means to me. Can you really believe that's what kept me alive all this time? Its ridiculous that I had to live through that kind of hope as my last resort from being in this world. I know if you weren't me no one would be able to handle that. But oh wait , I handled it . Haha only funny to me?