MISADVENTURES OF AN ALIEN(ATED) LANGUAGE TEACHER

Part 8

PART 8

With my throat constricted with dread, I dared to ask:

"What happens to me now?"

"Nothing", he shrugged. "You go home."

Could I believe him? I really, really, desperately wanted to believe him. But, could I? Of course not. I've lived on this planet for a very long time by now, and I know that things are never that easy, or maybe I'm just too cynical.

"Come on, Carter. I have decoded your symbol, I have done what you asked, so please have the decency to be honest with me: What will happen to me now?"

"I'm telling you the truth. No harm will come to you. You are protected. We have orders not to touch you."

I narrowed my eyes, dubious.

"Who gave such orders?"

"They came from up high" he answered, and he really seemed sincere.

I didn't expect something like this. This was funny... (funny strange, of course). This was not right. My survival instinct smelled something rotten in Denmark, and my wiser self agreed. Another part of me was singing angelic hymns and telling me not to be so paranoid. I didn't listen to this latter part.

"Why did you come to me in the first place? Who told you I was an expert in symbols?" I asked very slowly.

"The person who brought us the symbol" he answered.

Oh, shit! This had nothing to do with my list of five mistakes, this was something entirely different. This supposed person that had given them the symbol knew what I was, knew specifically who I was, too. This supposed person knew perfectly well that I was not an expert in symbols, and had arranged things to present me with the only symbol in the whole universe that I could easily decode: the location code of my aunt Flora's cave. He or she or bi was one of my kind! (Yes, we have three sexes and the pronoun for the third one is "bi". As you may guess, romantic relationships are very complicated for my people. No, I will not go into that here, maybe in another story.)

It was useless to speculate about the identity of this alien that had set the scene to put me in this situation. It was more to the point to consider the big question: Why?

I paled, my heart in despair and misery, my mind tormented with tribulation, for I knew the answer. Yes, I knew it too well. I had seen this modus operandi before. This... this was a TEST. Test, the most dreaded word in the universe (ask any student for confirmation of this fundamental truth). They had put me in this position to see if I would give the humans critical information about our race. Yes, this was a test on loyalty, and I had failed miserably. I had betrayed my kind. And quoting Hamlet's famous words: "Why, what an ass am I!" (What do you mean "Hamlet could not have said that"? Of course Hamlet said that! Act II, scene ii, line 557, go check it and let me be, I'm too worried right now to argue with you. "To be or not to be, that is the question" is not the only thing Hamlet said, you know?)

I know what you are thinking: it is unfair to be tested without warning. Yes, you are right, thank you for your sympathy. But you have to take into account that my people have never, ever, read any teaching manual, and so, they don't know that before giving a test you have to announce it, tell your testees the specific topics you are going to ask about, suggest ways of studying these topics, and give them TIME to read, revise, recherche (sorry a bit of French got mixed up) reason, rehearse, ratify, rationalize, reappraise, reassure, recapitulate, and lots of other things that begin with the sound "r". (Yes, of course I went through the "r" letter in the dictionary to find all these words. Writing a story requires investigation! And notice that writing and require also start with the "r" sound. Am I smart or what? I know you cannot see me but I said that with a smile on my face.)

The thing is that even if my people knew about the protocols of an examination, they wouldn't give a damn. Yes, that's how mean they are. Now, the problem is that you've only got one chance to pass this test, you cannot re-take it if you fail, you understand? Furthermore, (I love this connector furthermore, I was aching to use it) if you fail a loyalty test, the consequence is not that you have to take the loyalty course again. My people don't take betrayal lightly, and the ordeal of the cuffs, the straps and the cell that I had so far endured, would look like a picnic on the beach compared to what the secret police of my people would do to me. That's right, we also have a secret police agency. They usually track rogue elements like me.

Why am I a rogue element? Later, please, I have other important things to think about right now.

Ok, wiser self! To me! Now! What do I do?

"Vous avez des ennuis", said my wiser self. Wow! I didn't know I had a French wiser self besides the English and the Spanish ones. How chic! Too bad I didn't have a clue as to what the phrase meant. Luckily, my English wiser self stepped in and translated: "You are screwed". Duh! I already know I'm in deep shit, I need advice as to how to get out of it! And of course, all my wiser selves chose this precise moment to go silent! I will have a serious conversation with the three of them when I extricate myself from this situation, or rather if I can do it.

Ok, breathe and stay positive, breathe and stay positive... Think of the field of infinite possibilities... Nope, can't. Go to hell, Deepak Chopra, your techniques suck! No, no, I'm sorry Mr. Chopra, I didn't mean to offend you, it's just that I'm not at my best right now. (Yes, I know, I'm starting to lose it. Shit!)

In the middle of all this anguish at the prospect of my undoing, my mind started to ponder about the favourite methods of torture practised by my people. And naturally, I started to feel dizzy and my hands began to shake. I tried to hide my hands under the doctor's desk so that Carter could not see how distressed I was. But he did see it:

"You look pale" he said.

Not now, dear Carter, this is way out of your league.

"Are you all right?" he asked with a worried look in his face.

"Perfect" I answered. I meant it to sound self-confident but it came out like a whine.

I felt I was going to faint at any moment. I grabbed my head with my hands.

"I'll call the doctor" Carter decided, running to the door.

No, wait, Carter... Car... but he was gone, and I didn't even realize that I had not called him out loud. I tried the breathing exercise again. My brain was exhilarated at receiving the dose of oxygen and started to respond better and better. And then, suddenly, my three wiser selves shouted at the same time:

"Fenêtre!"

"Ventana!"

"Window!"

Right! Of course! This would probably be my only chance! I stood up, grabbing the desk to help myself, and went to the window of the office to check on what floor of the building I was. Fingers crossed!