A Brief History of Falling for Billy Hargrove [harrington x hargrove]

15.

The last time Steve and Billy saw the town as their home was the day they put Steve's room into a couple of cardboard boxes. Out of sudden the walls were bare and the bed was sheetless and the shelves were empty. It looked like a furniture store display – perfect but utterly unlived in, as if there weren't memories made on every single inch of the linoleum, as if their backs hadn't been pressed against the wall as they kissed countless of times, as if the bed hadn't been the venue of drowsy pillow talks almost every single night for the past few months. The room felt somewhat foreign, alienated by the lack of Steve in it. His whole life had been packed away and now the room he used to call his was just another empty space in the already soulless house.

They walked down the stairs, and out of the front door, and to Billy's car. It still didn't seem real. All this time they had been waiting for this day and now that it was here, Steve couldn't quite grasp the concept of finally leaving Hawkins. His mind refused to wrap itself around the fact that there would be no more high school or basketball games, that his locker wasn't his anymore and that his room was just a place where he'd stay when he came to visit but would never feel truly  his ever again. Steve felt like he was running on autopilot, as if it was just a dream and he'd wake up any minute now.

He was gazing out of the window, so absent-minded that he didn't even realize that Billy was talking. Everything seemed like a background noise to him, like a constant buzzing of the real world somewhere at the back of his mind.

"You are supposed to be excited, Steve," Billy's voice finally got through to him. Steve turned his head to look at Billy who had his eyes intently focused on the road. Steve knew that Billy didn't like showing weakness but sometimes the raw emotion seeped through his defenses and into his eyes, into the lines on his forehead, into the curve of his mouth. This time Billy seemed almost disappointed, desperate, confused, sad. "You know, we didn't have to make plans if you didn't want to. I could have figured something out on my own. I could have gone to California like I wanted."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Steve frowned. Billy had his full attention now.

"Just look at yourself, Steve. You look like a lost puppy." Billy was keeping up the façade of utter calm but Steve could see how his knuckles were turning white from the way he was gripping the wheel.

"I..." Steve sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back into the headrest. "This just feels so unreal. The whole thing."

"Yeah, right." Billy was silent for a moment. Then he swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing in the kind of way that meant trouble. "The thing is I have never doubted this thing we have. I have never thought that there was something better out there for me. Fuck, Steve, you can't even imagine how much I love you. It's unhealthy, it's eating up my whole being. And I'm fucking okay with it. I chose to let you in and I don't regret a second of it. But I know for a fact that there's something more for you out there, something greater. I know for a fact that there's a girl made just of you, someone you won't have to hide, someone you'll be able to walk hand in hand and tell everyone that she's your girl, someone you won't have to be ashamed of. I know for a fact that you are smart enough to do whatever you want even if you don't think you are and you should never let anyone tell you otherwise. And even though I could be selfish and make you stay with me, I won't because I love you way too much to do that. So I'm asking you right now and I want you to answer with absolute honesty because I won't ask again – do really want to do this, Steve? Do you want to be stuck with me? Do you want to carry this boulder of having to deal with my shit? Or do you want to leave now and never look back. I won't blame you if you do. I just want you to be happy for fuck's sake. So please, Steve, don't feel obliged to stay. I can take care of myself, I don't need a babysitter."

Billy kept his eyes straight in front of him as if he was too scared to look at Steve, as if he was scared to look over and see relief in Steve's eyes, as if he was scared that Steve would tell him to pull over and let him out, because that was exactly what he feared. He had been thinking about giving Steve the option of leaving for a long time now. He knew that Steve was too good of a person to just stand up and go. And he knew that Steve must have been fed up with his bullshit – who wouldn't be? He was too damn aware of how difficult he was, of how much of a mess he was, of how hard he was making it for Steve. And he meant what he had said. He loved him too much to make him stay and suffer (even though it was such a goddamn cliché and he didn't really want to let Steve go).

Steve stared at him, absolutely dumbfounded, for a long moment. He did not want to leave. He had never even considered leaving a possibility. How could he? Billy had become one of the most important people in his life. His entire existence was orbiting around Billy, he was the center of Steve's universe. He'd kill for the boy for God's sake. And he was not ashamed, had never been ashamed. How Billy could not see that was beyond him.

For a second, he let himself think about getting out of the car and never looking back. He imagined his life without Billy in it. He imagined waking up alone. He imagined going to see a movie with some random college girl. It was ridiculous. It was virtually impossible. It was just not the way Steve imagined his future. Everything he did, everything he planned, everything he wanted to do involved Billy in one way or another. If he left, he would be stuck in a constant cycle of 'what if's and maybes and regret.

"Pull over," he said and Billy complied. He steered the wheel, eyes blurry and hands shaking. Even though he hated himself with every ounce of his being, he still had hoped in the corner of his heart that was still beating and alive and not completely apathetic, that Steve might not. He had hoped the other boy saw some good in him. He had hoped Steve wasn't just staying out of pity and necessity. Having his bubble popped felt like waking up into a nightmare.

Steve turned in his seat and reached out to grab Billy's chin. He reluctantly met Steve's eyes. They were unreadable. Billy didn't let the tears fall even though Steve wasn't making it easy for him in any way.

Steve pulled Billy closer until their lips were only a breath away from touching and God did he want them to touch (not now though, there would be enough time for that later). Steve never let Billy look away as he spoke, loudly and clearly, pronunciation every word with care. "I love you. Do you hear me? I love you and I'm not leaving unless you tell me to. And even then I'm going to drunk call you at 3am because I'm not going to give up on you. Ever. I know that you have trust issues. I know that you are not used to people genuinely caring about you. I know that you are not used to being loved. I know all of that because I know you. I know the Billy no one else knows and I fucking love him. Okay? And if you think that I'm doing this because you are some charity case to me then you are fucking wrong. I'm a spoiled brat, remember? I don't care about anyone but me."

Billy laughed softly. The sound was laced with relief, relief, relief and a trace of true happiness. Because Steve was still there, and he had his hand on his cheek, and he was staying.

Billy let his head fall into the crook of Steve's neck, one of the places that was the most familiar to him, that he felt the safest in. He listened to the quiet sound of Steve's breathing and thought that no matter what happened, if he could press his mouth to Steve's neck and feel the even pulse against his lips at the end of the day, then everything would be alright.

▾▿▾

(If you were wondering why this is once again so damn angsty - I was listening to The Light Behind Your Eyes and Demolition Lovers again. Because I hate myself and I hate happiness. And I'm not a good person. In fact I'm very much evil. Yeah.)

❝As we fade in the dark

Just remember you will always burn as bright❞