Velvet Mirror

Chapter 1

I watched the knife fall to the floor, flipping over and over, glinting, gleaming, and mocking me. I felt so far away from the danger approaching my foot, not frozen, but maybe stretching up and up, panning further into my head, and definitely lacking the desire to move. If it fell on my foot and cut off my toes, would the pain compare to this? The knife missed my big toe by half an inch.

I sank to the ground, the weight of what I had done pushing me down. I put my head in my hands and let the salty, painful tears leak from my eyes.

I'd done it again. The scent of bologna and white bread was stuck to my fingers. The sandwich peeked over the edge of the counter, staring at me. Rather than being prodded by the un-crusted sandwich literally and metaphorically looming over me, I sighed, stood up, and dumped it into the trash.

Once I cried myself dry—forced myself dry, I abandoned the kitchen, unwilling to keep myself in that granite hell for any longer today. I sat down on the tattering white couch, and curled into a ball because even though I was wearing jeans and a grey sweater, I was freezing, but I did not have the energy or will to get up again and raise the temperature. Instead, I watched through the bay window as kids lined up at the bus stop. Colin should have been among them. Colin would have been among them if that driver had paid a little more attention to where he was going. If he had not been driving so fast and looking at his phone or doing his makeup or whatever it was he had have been doing, he would have saved a life.

I watched the bus pull up and the kids pile on board. I reached across the couch and pulled the fuzzy green blanket at the other end towards me. I pulled it all the way over my head and escaped to a dream.

*****

I was at the park, sitting on a bench. Kids were all around playing on the play structures with their parents. I was waiting for someone. I felt this anticipatory weight in my gut. I looked around the playground and suddenly saw Colin go down the slide.

"Mom! Mom!" he ran over to me.

I stood up suddenly and hustled over to him.I could never tell if he was calling for me out of excitement or because he was hurt.

"Mom," he said more calmly when he reached me. He gave me a tight hug and then turned around to reach for his best friend, Antony's, hand. The two of them ran off too far for me to see. I tried to get closer to him, to chase after him, but I was being pushed down by a heavy weight and I was getting warmer and warmer.

I opened my mouth to yell at them to wait for me.

I was wrenched out of my dream by the telephone ringing. I felt the warm tears rolling down my cheeks. I sniffed back the tears and got up to answer the phone.

"Hello?" My voice sounded surprisingly less shaky than I expected it to be.

"How's it going, darling?" my dad's comforting voice came through the line.

"Terrible," I answered honestly, allowing my voice to crack. There was no use in even trying to fool my dad into thinking things are just "okay". He saw right through me, just like any parent.

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry," he said, "I miss him too. And it's just not going to stop hurting. I still cry when I think of your mother."

"I miss her too, Dad."

"I know," he said, his voice low and soft, "I know..." Our conversation lulled and it took a moment before either of us spoke again. My dad was the first to speak and he spoke timidly, afraid he would upset me. "Hey, Valerie, Jocelyn called the other day. She said you're losing weight... I want you to go eat something, please. Will you do that for me?"