Loca

Chapter 17: Declarations

Jacob's POV

Being a wolf was easy. There was nothing to worry about except the elements. You'd sleep when tired, eat when hungry.

Being human, that was hard. There was a pain that I couldn't bring myself to live with. The pain of rejection, of failure. Of being unable to distinguish my wants and needs from those of someone who mattered more than I did. Someone who didn't care if she mattered to me regardless, and wished I didn't matter to her.

Trinity was a fighter and she fought to make her feelings for me irrelevant. She saw imprinting as another loss, one that stole away her freedom to chose.

Once I realized that, realized all that I had taken from her...well, I'd be damned if I didn't try to give it back. She had lost so much, I owed her to at least try.

I couldn't control what had happened to us, but I could leave. I could give her that much. Which felt like the best thing for her at the time, even if it wasn't an easy thing. Far from it. When she stood in front of Embry, vulnerable and asking me home, I almost gave up.

Without any exaggeration, turning her down then had been the hardest thing I'd ever done.

Then after that - days and weeks and months later even, there were times when the pull was so strong that I literally dug my paws into the ground, fighting. Trying not to turn back. To erase all the progress I'd made at erasing my pain. Erasing hers...

In vain of course, now that I'd heard she was in danger. Which was all it took to tip the scales, and make me turn back. To stand between her and the front lines between Bella and a vampire...Running to be her protector, even as deep down I knew her protector wasn't the only thing I wanted to be.

Just like I knew that once I returned, and saw her again I'd be unable to leave...That I would be so overcome with my feelings that I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I'd go right back to my pursuit of her, go back fighting for her because I wasn't strong enough to give her this. Her needing me now had overpowered everything else and so I hoped only that she could forgive me for failing her.

Never again would I think bad of Edward Cullen for leaving Bella, or for not sticking to his decision like I couldn't do now...Coming home to her.

Never again would I blame my sisters for escaping heartbreak either. For the first time in my life, I had checked out. It had done a world of good, along with a world of bad.

Only time would tell which would prevail - which I had plenty of.
Most of which I spent gathering courage even after making it home, because Trinity was bound to be displeased with me. A thought which kept me up nights as I slept in my old bed again.

Still, when all that was past and I was face to face with her, it was like a breath of fresh air. Even when angry, cursing, nostril flaring, I was struck dumb at how beautiful she was.

When I hugged her, I could feel all the pieces of me pulled back together.

Every last bit of me that had come undone, falling into place once more. Then Trinity pushed me away gently.

"I'm going to be over there," she grumbled, which I didn't know if it meant to follow her or stay here. I certainly wasn't going anywhere else. I refused to let her be in even slight danger. So I matched her distance.

Once the night was over it was hard to let her go. To not follow. Still I stayed as far away as I could manage since I had no excuse.

During which time I began to realize that much more had changed than the few bits of what she had told me. For starters, she had started to put down roots here.