Stranger 2

Licks

Shawn

Nobody knows what it feels like having no control of your body, doing what your mind tells you to do all the time with no say. No will power, no strength to battle against theses deepened demons wedged down inside. No matter how much I chant for change, it just won't come.

This is who I am, this is who I'll always be. I mean shit, if this is what people keep trying to put on me than I must not be in control of my life's own destiny. Swear if I was a nigga nobody would bother me, I could live freely in my skin fucking bitches and possibly get a standing ovation. High numbers is all good when you have a dick, but since I pee sitting down I'm held to a different standard.

This confusion is placing a lot of stress on me. God on everything I just want to be happy, I can't change the past and how it effected me. Yes I lie and cheat, only because I feel it protects me. Reason being I like to fuck and drink, it lets me escape and feel some real shit for once without being present and sober for it. Really I'm trying to find that missing piece that seems like it doesn't want to be found. Without those addictions, forcibly trying to be a better me. Next best thing, or worse depending on what you try and see. Is an old reliable, my first go to after my mother and I would act like we were doing an Fight Night HBO special. Alone I would ask myself, how licks does it take?

Two or three small cuts, just to heal my soul up. Had to do it before Marlon gets home, I slit myself right under my arm that way he'll never know. Threw away my shirt deep in the trash can, wiped the evidence with a black towel and placed it in the washer machine.

Using the small handbag I never used, a present given to me by my mom. I packed a change of clothes and headed to Enika's house.

"I'll be in your little freak show, but I'm not eating your box."

A puzzling smile came across her face as she stepped to the side to let me in. "Step into my office, we can talk about it."

Candles were lit lighting the way to her living room, "If I'm doing this I don't want to be cheated on the money either!"

"You might not even have to go on camera. I was talking my homeboy, telling him the crazy views we had the other night. He want us to do a little something live action and he'll pay."

"Hold up, what the hell exactly is a little something? How much we even talking?"

"Some free weed since he's the plug and two grand, split between the both of us. Now I can make that in a night, but I know you need the money. But we gotta give him his money worth, all that kissing shit we did before isn't going to cut."

"Y'all fucked before?"

"Hell no, that's my nigga I've never looked at him like that."

"His ass not going to join in, because I'm telling you right now I'm not down with that shit!"

"Nah, it's just going to be me and you. We can do this tonight if you want, I'll call him up right now."

"Tonight? I need some time to think about it, can I at least meet the nigga first?"

"Yeah, he may seem sketchy at first based off looks but the nigga is real cool."

Enika made the phone call. While whoever made his way over here, I grabbed a beer out of her fridge to calm me the fuck down. But they wasn't doing shit for me tasting like water, so I drank three more. By the time he came I was a bit more relaxed but still nervous as hell. What if the guy knows me already, heard some shit about me? I do this, then wanna talk shit about me?