Shadow's life

My Social Anxiety

-||•Ok this is what I have...I have this and is terrifying for me. I have to deal with this's everyday and when I wake up I plan everything and every move that I make and if that plan does not work out I panic and when I panic it is inside my mind where nobody sees me panic. I fear people who will judge me with there eyes and their reactions and while I do anything like walking, eating, working, etc. I worry that I'm doing it all wrong. I am not comfortable enough to be outside my own room and my room is where I feel safe. When I step out of my room I can't breathe I can't think straight. Now for the people that "knows" me in person all the things I do is in deep fear. Now I don't like it when I feel unwanted to myself. Most of the times I hate me for doing whatever I done.

My life isn't free I am stuck in a box full of ideas I wish to do but social anxiety keeps me from doing that. Yeah it may seem this all stupid and all but I absolutely hate being called "shy". I am not shy I talk from time to time and when I speak I worry about what I said. So I head to a bathroom and do a full time panic and I can't breathe and I tear up and get scared of what they'll say when I come back from anywhere or when a teacher asks me something that is kinda serious and I can't simply look at them in the eyes and I lie straight in their face. I'm the quiet type where that person has to step closer to hear me or tell me to repeat what I just said and most of the time I say 'never mind'. After that I scream for my life but not out loud because that gets everybody's attention and when I see that their are eyes looking at me I look down and hide my face. I use earphones so nobody will start a conversation with me in public.
When my day is done by being outside I head straight to my room and closing and locking my bedroom door. I practice speaking to my dog his name is Konner and it seems so stupid to me that I can't do that to an actual person where i could say anything that pops up into my mind. I bite my nails and I play with my fingers and I tap my feet as fast I can and sometimes I throw up. I feel bullied but I'm not it is me with the anxiety telling me lies in my head. Not all things I say are true. But when it comes to the internet I am there for you and help you get through your situation. I have been alone for 14 years until I moved and made a real friend. I'm 16 now and that friend is the best thing that ever happened to me.  That is one step for me. Yeah you may think that this is all fake or you may think that this is true and you feel sorry for me. Don't be sorry for me but I do need help from someone that deals with this too and maybe we could help each other.
•This is me telling you that I have social anxiety and this will terrify me on how you will react to it.