Save Me

Chapter X

Happy...He should be happy. He should be okay. Hell he should be able to get himself out of bed. Everything ached for no reason; bricks were weighing him down and keeping him in the same position in his bed for hours. Minutes felt like months while seconds felt like hours. His body and mind found no reason to do anything even when his rational was telling him he had to get up. It all felt impossible to do: moving, blinking, breathing...

Sunlight was quickly filling the sky; the blue growing and growing, only being replaced with the occasional white cloud. John continued to stare blankly at the window, his mind subconsciously counting the seconds until the next minute passed. Where was his motivation? How the hell did it just disappear? He should feel fine...He should be ecstatic! They were at the studio again, having fun. And Freddie liked him! That was absolutely amazing and he was sitting here not feeling anything. Not even the slightest bit of sadness to remind him that he could still feel something. It sickened him, yet he was too tired to even feel disgust.

A small, cautious knock came out from the other side of his door. His mouth refused to move so he could talk, not a single sound escaping from his mouth. However, the creak of his bed from him turning onto his back seemed to have alerted whoever was behind his door that he was in there. The door opened, the light from the hallway making his eyes burn as they were forced to adjust to the sudden influx of artificial light.

"John?"

Freddie's timid voice came out to him, but at that moment it was one of the last things he wanted to hear. Resentment burned under his skin as he heard him walk in. How could he run back off to Bret when they wanted to help him? How could he let himself be so blind that he couldn't see that they were right? How could he only be able to tell him he loved him when he was under alcohol's malicious spell?

But he couldn't even keep that quick burst of emotion going much longer. Anger and reproach vanished in an instant as he fell back into his own melancholy, not even groaning in response to Freddie's entrance into his darkened room.

"John love, you okay?" He asked cautiously, his footsteps growing louder as he headed over to his bed. John could barely venture a look towards Freddie, the faint light coming through his window from behind the curtains gave him a blurry and grey sight of his face. One of Freddie's eyes seemed to be ever so slightly off, like it wasn't working properly at the moment. Even without much light, John could already see the purple and black bruise around it and the many others that must've come from the previous night. Yet Freddie still pulled a kind smile and tried to put a soft cover over his eyes in order to hide any of the hidden pain or trauma that lurked at the back of his mind.

His silhouette moved across his room, the bed creaking again as Freddie took a seat on the other side of his bed. John couldn't even feel the usual excitement in his stomach with having him so close. A tentative touch fell upon his shoulder, Freddie's hand pausing for a second before he ran it across his shoulder and up to the crook of his neck, the repetitive movement bringing a sense of calmness to him that actually managed to stay after going hours without feeling anything but guilt.

"It's alright...Did something happen?" Freddie asked.

No...Nothing ever really causes it. He thought, even though he wished he had some reason behind it. He just shrugged in response, continuing to stare at the opposing wall while Freddie's slowly rubbed his shoulder.