Incomplete // h.s au

Incomplete

Prologue

Sometimes, when I sit alone in the empty aparment, I'm hit with flashbacks. Flashbacks that hit me so hard I end up on the floor, clutching the carpet and gasping for breath. Each one is so tortuously sweet and slow. Each one reminding of what I had.

They happened everyday, everywhere. Everything I do is always somehow unknowingly linked to him. My heart always stops at the mention of green.

Over time I thought they would stop. I didn't think it would be possible for a person to experience so much pain.

What did I do to deserve this?

This horrible feeling that my insides have been ripped out and stepped on. The feeling of my heart shattering a little more with every breath I take.

I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me just wants it to stop. Wants all the pain and guilt and suffering to just dissapear. Wants to feel whole again. Wants to pretend the last three years of my life didn't happen.

The other part desires these pains because they are all that's left of him. Because they remind me of a time when my life was beautiful and happy. When every puzzle piece fell into place perfectly.

Friends try to sympathize with me but they'll never understand. They didn't know him like I did. Didn't understand that everything he did was for a reason. Especially his death.

As the days go by, my body withers away. The life is sucked out of me. I sometimes feel no need to keep going. Why should I anyways? The one best thing in my life is gone and is never coming back.

Never coming back.

This phrase replays in my head, hoping that one day it'll actually make sense. That it actually means what it says. That it means he's actually gone.

That I'll never get to see his beautiful, green eyes again that used to stare at me with so much love and lust, I thought my heart would combust. Never feel his soft curls, or his strong but gentle hands laced perfectly with mine. Never see his breathtaking smile that would make my knees weak. Never hear the sweet things he would whisper in my ear at night when I couldn't sleep. I will never get to hear him tell me that he loves me, ever again.

The only thing keeping me grounded is hope. Hope that one day, I'll move on and find someone else who will make me feel alive again. I know this is impossible though. Only He can make me feel that way. Only He can fuel my desires and happiness.

When he left, it was as if half of me was taken with him. The half that contained my heart, passion, will, desire and I know that without him, I will always be incomplete.